Johnrose Grimdorks Week 2018
by Pram The Oracle
Summary: A collection of fanfiction based around the John Egbert x Rose Lalonde pairing, based on prompts from the Johnrose 2018 Week. Contains both flushed and pale pairings.
1. Sunday Part 1: Godtier

**John: Pester Everyone. In Real Life.**

Canon Universe, Pale John x Rose, Flushed Rose x Kanaya, ??? Dave x Jade x Terezi x Karkat, Flushed PM x WV, ??? Aradia x Sollux, ??? Roxy x Calliope, SFW.

Are you sure about this Rose?

Of course John, I would never steer you wrong. Trust me.

… yeah, okay Rose. I trust you. so how are we going to do this?

Oh, um, I was thinking that we get a bunch of cakes…

Okay.

Then we show up to their houses with a cake, saying we baked it for them, and then… threaten to push the cake to their faces if they don't do what we say?

… uhh… that's a start. But leave the planning to the professionals Rose. By that I mean me.

What's wrong with my plan?

It stinks Rose.

Hmph. Well if you're such a master prankster, why don't you share yours?

Oh I will. Now, listen up… it's going to take my Windy Thing and your Seer powers. Together, we're unstoppable.

Terezi sighed as she landed on the ground, not bothering with more than a cursory sniff to confirm she landed just outside of her Hive in the Troll Kingdom. It's been another fruitless search for Vriska, and she's dead tired (H33-H33). She's looking forward to a few days- heck, maybe even a week or two of just kicking back and relaxing with her fellow SBURB/SGRUB players. She missed hanging out with Dave and Karkat, and even Jade would be welcome company. She might even drop by the ol' Judiciary Office just for old times' sake. And let's not forget the reason she had to return on this day before it ended.

However, her plans for some RR would have to wait, as she smelled something amiss. She unsheathed her trusty Dragon Cane from her strife specibus, and began to tiptoe through the grounds until she can practically smell it. Well, smell it more clearly anyway.

"Cake?"

Now that she's up close, Terezi can smell that sweet confection Egber's Lusus- Dad is so fond of, just situated near where her door was.

"Oh Egbert Egbert Egbert." Terezi sighed as she moved next to the entrance and gave an experimental tap. Yes, her door was open, and the cake is most likely perched precariously on top of it, just waiting for a careless Grub to waltz right in and get caked.

And unless she's mistaken- ah yes she can hear Egbert's unmistakable giggle. Odd, she can't smell where he is… blast, he must be doing his windy thing to prevent his smell from spreading. Still, trying to trick a Seer of Mind? Grinning, Terezi pushed open the door with her cane, and planned out several ways to get back at-

SPLAT

Terezi fell flat on her back as a 2nd, less smelly cake (whose smell was overpowered by the 1st one) came out from somewhere deeper in her abode and smacked her right in the face. As she lay there wondering how Egbert got one over her, she can hear the distinct giggle of her fellow Seer shortly before the sound disappeared.

"LALONDE!"

"Just a few more jpeg artifacts to put and… done!" Dave said as he turned around from his computer "Another masterpiece if I do say so myself." Dave smirked as his latest Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff page is complete and ready to be uploaded. Karkat, on the other hand, was frowning and grumbling as he paced all around Dave's room, his annoyance apparent even when Dave isn't looking at him.

"GREAT NOW WE'RE ONLY 5 MINUTES LATE TO MEET UP WITH JADE!" Karkat said as he quickened his walk.

"Geez chill dude it doesn't matter how much time it takes me to make a work of art that puts Herge and Alan Moore to shame, I can just use my powers to get us there in time"

"OH SURE FLAUNT OUR GOD TIER POWERS OVER THOSE WHO NEVER WENT GOD TIER" Karkat complained as he opened the door. "NOW CAN WE LEAVE?"

"After you milady"

The two make their way towards their meeting spot, a quiet park not too far from their home/hive. Well, at least it was quiet before Karkat arrived.

"SERIOUSLY STRIDER" Karkat yelled as Dave pointedly ignored him as they both head deeper into the park. "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE MORE APPRECIATIVE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S APPOINTMENTS. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT IF I WAS LATE TO ANY OF OUR - HOLY SHIT IS THAT JADE?"

Dave snapped back to reality as he looked at where Karkat was pointing at, and Dave flashstepped immediately to Jade's side. Her body was covered in blood, and she laid on her back in a haphazard manner like a broken marionette doll. "Shit shit shit Jade speak to me who did this you wait shit is he still here?" Dave gave a quick look around. Other than him, Jade, and Karkat, there was no one else. Shit, maybe he's just waiting, somewhere behind those trees?

"Dave…" Jade said weakly

"Jade I'm so sorry I'm late I'll fix this I'll go back in time see who did it then I'll scramble everybody and we'll get Jane to fix you up you'll see wait for me! Karkat you guard her with your life" Dave sputtered as he started up his time travel mechanics just as Jade started to get up.

"No wait, Dave, don't-" Jade was interrupted as Dave disappeared, evidently going back in time. "-go I'm ok" She finished lamely. She turned towards Karkat, who had his Scythe out and was glancing this way and that, before slowly turning back to Jade, sniffing the air.

"JADE WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN RED CAKE FROSTING?"

"As it turns out," Dave said, showing up from behind the tree he was apparently behind of, "we have been victims of that rare but highly dangerous Grimdorks prankster combo of John and Rose." He said, as he flicked a piece of cake from his shoulder. "In hindsight we've seen blood so many times that I should have noticed this was cake." Dave finished as he swiped some frosting off of Jade and gave it a lick "Ooh red velvet."

"I tried to warn you." Jade turned towards Karkat as she started to explain. "I was waiting for you guys to show up when a sudden rainstorm started so I warped underneath a tree only to get hit by a cake." She stopped to get some cake out of hair. "I kept warping but everywhere I went in the park I kept getting hit." She gestured towards Dave next. "Dave showed up only for him to get hit by the cakes. Then I got too tired just laid down to rest right here."

"Yeah I was catching my breath there as well. Time travel and Time Stopping really takes a toll on you." Dave huffed as he breathed heavily. "Seriously Karkat it was like a scene out of a movie. I kept stopping time as a cake was about to hit me, moved out of the way, only for a pie to suddenly appear"

"YEAH WELL THEY WON'T GET ME!" Karkat snarled, putting away his Scythes, then turned around to leave the place.

Only to stop as one John Egbert in a stupid disguise as well as a certain Rose Lalonde in an equally stupid disguise to stand before him, with Egbert holding a cake in his hands.

"Hey Karkat long time no see!" John cheerily said, as he smooshed the cake in Karkat's face before zapping away, leaving a frustrated yell of "EEEEGBEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRTTTTT!!!" behind them.

So the day continues, as deity after deity was introduced to a fist full of cakes. No one was safe, not CEO Jane Crocker high in her crimson tower, not Jake English and Dirk Strider in their robotics lab, not Queen Roxy and Calliope on their throne, and not Kanaya safe in the Mother Grub cave. Even Our Most Beloved of Mayors fell victim to the cakesassination spree, much to the ire of the mail lady.

And as the sun sets on Earth C, so the stage is set, as 6 deities, 3 trolls, and a Cherub meet together for a single unified purpose...

"Hahaha oh my god Rose did you see the look on Karkat's face right before I hit him with the cake?" John laughed as he sat in the comfort of his chair, back at his house. It's night time right now, and all is quiet except for his and Rose's laughter, sitting across from him, their shitty disguises left on the floor.

"Indeed. But I have to say that my favorite reaction was the look on Kanaya's face when she assumed that we caked her wardrobe." Rose then did her best impression of Kanaya. "No Not My Socks! They Were Categorized By Shade Of Color!"

"My favorite part was when she found out too late that the sock ruse was just to distract her from the cake we rigged to hit her when she entered her room." John laughed again remembering Kanaya's confused look as she looked at her clean wardrobe and her messy face and hands. "You know, I still have no idea how you rigged it so it only hit her and not her clothes."

"You are not the only one with powers suitable for pranking people" Rose said, as she swirled her glass with one hand and tapped her head with the other. "Beware the Seer that knows the most fortuitous path."

"Yeah about that" John said, as he turned toward the nearby table that is filled to the brim with all sorts of cakes. "Why do we still have a bunch of cakes leftover?"

"All in good time my fellow comrade in pranks." Rose finished. A comfortable silence followed, as John thought that Rose was right, a pranking spree was exactly what he needed. He'd been in such a rut since Caliborn's message until Rose showed up and talked him into pranking everyone. Darn her way with words! Still, he had to admit that it felt good to flex his god-tier powers.

Before he could talk further, he heard a furious knocking on his door. More like banging come to think of it. "Who is it?" John yelled, as he got up and strode towards the door.

"OPEN THE GOG DAMN DOOR EGBERT! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"

"Well yeah Karkat, of course it's me. I just asked who you were."

All was quiet on the other side, then some whispering started that John couldn't quite hear. Then silence again, followed by another, softer knock

"Alright Egbert the jig is up this is the no fun police we are here to exact sexy justice on your ass so open wide- what no karkat I didn't mean it that way"

"OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Step aside!" John heard further shuffling sounds before it was replaced by that more feminine but still familiar voice. "John, I love you like a brother, but you better open this door right now or else."

"Oh come on Jade, or else what?"

The words were barely out of John's mouth when he remembered. Gulping, John turned around to face the angry mob surrounding him. Rose quickly rose from her seat, squeaked past Kanaya and Roxy (who were giving her the evil eye), and stood by John's side.

"Don't worry John, our situation is dire, but I know what you can say to get us out of this situation."

"Come on guys you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on would you?"

"That was not it John." Rose whispered, as she facepalmed.

Silence reigned, but as the old saying goes, it's always the calmest before the storm.

Without a word, Jade moved towards the table.

Without a word, Jade picked up the nearest cake.

With a mighty yell, Jade shouted the battlecry, "CAKE EGBERT AND LALONDE!"

Thus, the great war between the gods who created this world known as Götterdäcquioserung began. It is a legend spoken in hushed tones, whispered around campfires and in spooky locations for some reason. Probably for atmosphere. In any case, the legend changes depending on who you ask.

"It was an unjust rebellion against our Heir of Breath." the Salamanders would say.

"It was the perfect moment for our Gods to take their rightful place at the top of the Divinity, but we failed due to forces beyond their control. OUR TIME WILL COME AGAIN!" Says the Purple blooded Troll.

"It was a bunch of weird guys having one hell of a celebration. Wish they invited me- HURK!" says a drunk human just across the street.

"O_O" says that weird troll girl wearing red and her friend with the weird eyes- hey where did they go?

Nevertheless, several key points are common throughout the universe:

Of course, the truth is shrouded in mystery, lost to the winds of time. Perhaps it never happened at all. Perhaps it's just the under active imagination of a fanfic writer of a sinking ship.

Who can say?

With a loud gasp, John pulled his head up from the gigantic cake mess he face planted on, then rolled onto his back. After resting for a moment, he sat up and surveyed the aftermath. Rose was the only one left standing, though she was quickly joined by others who had rested enough. Looking around, he realized everyone was slowly making their way towards him. Nervously, he rubbed the back of his neck and waited for the coup de gras to come. This is it, he thought, this is how my life ends. Surrounded by his friends, betrayed by his best friend, and done in by family.

"John…" Jade began as she zapped something into her hand. John closed his eyes quickly and wished his death would be swift.

"Happy Birthday you great big Doofus" Jade said. John opened his eyes, and saw Jade extending a box towards him. "I would have sent this along with your other gifts but since you decided to be a huge jerk and prank us we all showed up in person to deliver them." Then she pinched John's cheek. Tight. "After we caked you that is." Releasing her hold on John's cheek, she smiled.

Rubbing his sore cheek, John took the present and muttered a quiet "Thank you Jade.".

Soon everyone joined in as they handed in their gifts to the growing pile beside him with them saying things such as:

"Here you go bro try not to cry too much tears of gratitude as you enjoy my gift. Wouldn't want you to die of dehydration or from your heart growing 3 sizes today."

"It's something that I found in the furthest ring!! I promise I haven't licked it. Much."

"HERE I PERSONALLY SELECTED ONLY THE WORST OF THE WORST FROM MY COLLECTION I KNOW YOU LOVE THOSE FOR GOG KNOWS WHAT REASON"

"Rose And I Selected This After Careful Consideration And We Are Certain You Will Enjoy It"

"John, Johnny boy, my little boy blue, you are going to take this gift from Calliope and me, you are going to open it, and you are going to have the best time *WONK*"

"John old chap, here's a gift from one of me and dirk's expeditions. Dirk's gift will unfortunately be a little late, he hasn't quite put the finishing touches on his. What a boner eh?

"I got you the latest unreleased product from my company, send me a feedback once you give it a try ok?"

"HOO HOO HOO, I might not be your guide anymore, but there's nothing in the rules saying I can't give my grandson a gift."

With every gift John was given, he felt warmer and warmer. They didn't grow distant like he thought after all. Then when Mr. Crocker asked whether he received his gift yet, that tipped him over. It was all too much, he-

"Oh geez John what did I just say?"

"OH GOG DAMMIT EGBERT, SOMEBODY SHOOSH PAP HIM BEFORE I DO IT MYSELF!"

"John what's wrong?"

Everybody started crowding over him as John continued bawling like a baby. How unbecoming of a full fledged 20 year old man on his 20th birthday.

But John didn't care.

After John calmed down and apologize to everyone for pranking them, an impromptu party started. As everyone cleaned themselves up, Kanaya was in charge of cleaning up the horrible mess that was his house, and John had a brief moment of panic until Rose discreetly showed him the broken PDA he left in his room and gave it to his keeping. Since all of the cake was used up, everyone chipped in to bring their favorite snacks and drinks, with Jade teleporting to get the snacks. Surprisingly, the Mayor and the Mail Lady found time to pop in for a quick visit, though they couldn't stay for long. Mayor and Mail duties and all that. Though they found time to give both John and Rose a stern talking to. (DON'T YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN BOY. OH, AND ENJOY YOUR GIFTS.)

At first everyone groaned when party games were brought up, but soon everyone got really into it, especially since everybody decided to screw the no-power rules and basically cheated to get ahead. Terezi won poker (LUCK DO3SN'T M4TT3R), while John won Twister to the complaints of everyone saying a gust of wind blew them down. Freak accident that. Rose won Monopoly after a long and drawn out battle of bankrupting everyone else (I thought you said luck did not matter?), though both she and Terezi threw a temper tantrum when Dave managed to win Clue-Do on his first turn. (I don't know what you're talking about ladies the envelope containing the culprit has always faced that way and pay no attention to that handsome devil in red outside the house). After the fun and games, everyone somehow managed to cram themselves on or around John's couch as they settled in to watch Karkat's gift to John, the romcom movie The Ugly Troll Truth. Karkat, John, and Jake were forced to defend the movie as everyone else constantly complained about it.

After the movie, the party soon dissolved, as everyone said their goodbyes to John and each other. "Alright everyone the Harley teleportation service is going off soon so make sure you don't leave anything behind ok?" Jade said.

As everyone moved to join Jade, Rose whispered something to Kanaya, who nodded as Rose hurried back to John.

"Oh hey Rose, did you forget something?" he asked as Rose approached.

"Not exactly, I wanted to talk about Caliborn." Rose whispered

"Oh, right, him. Geez after the craziness of today I completely forgot about him."

"You are correct that Caliborn is a complication to our idyllic lives we have earned after going through that hellish game." John gave a shudder at the mention of SBURB. "But don't forget that we don't have to go after Caliborn immediately. After 4 years of not using our powers, it would be foolish to confront him without at least training, even if he's not quite Lord English yet. It would be best that we tell everyone after some time has passed, and we face Caliborn after sufficient preparations."

"Yeah okay Rose. Still, Dave and Jade really got back into the groove fast during that fight we had- hey, wait, did you foresee them trying to get their revenge on us and going crazy like that?"

"Perhaps." Rose said with a smirk. Well at least it's good to sea that living in married bliss didn't dull Rose's sharp mind. "Oh and John?"

Rose gave John a quick hug.

"Happy Birthday."

Rose gave a small wave before hurrying to Kanaya, and together they walked towards Jade and disappeared as everyone teleported away.

With a smile on his face, John went back to his house, humming a little tune. As he made his bedtime preparations, he took out his PDA, and grimaced. Rose was right, if they rushed Caliborn after spending so much time living in luxury, it won't end well for them. He didn't want another repeat of his old timeline as he unconsciously rubbed his right arm. Caliborn can wait, there's time for everybody to prepare for the confrontation.

… and actually, it might do him some good to get out of this place once in a while as he surveyed his recently cleaned room (thanks Kanaya). John looked back at the broken PDA, making a mental note to hit up Dirk first thing in the morning to ask him to repair it. It'd be a good chance to catch up with him and Jake.

Speaking of catching up, why stop there? Jane, Mr. Crocker, Nannasprite, Dave, Jade, Karkat, Terezi, Roxy, Calliope, WV, PM, and Kanaya. They all took the time out of their busy lives to pay him a visit (admittedly for pissing them off), he's got to repay them.

And Rose. She got him out of his rut, he damn well better pay her back somehow. Maybe make a Rainbow appear on her and Kanaya's wedding anniversary… or let Kanaya drink his blood? Would she like that? Maybe some pranking lessons. Poor girl has been out of practice since… since… oh wow has it been that long since they discussed pranks? Maybe some props like fake tentacles and beards. Ehh, plenty of time to think of a better present.

As he laid down on his bed, preparing to sleep, John smiled. For the first time in a long, long while, John was happy.


	2. Sunday Part 2: Bodtier

**Douchebag: Pester Rose. In Real Life.**

Alternate Universe, Flushed John x Rose, Flushed Dave x Jade, SFW.

You sit there on the sand, your speedo bunching up on you as you survey your surroundings. It's a typical day at the beach, with perfect weather to relax under the umbrella, sunbath, play in the water, and all those things people come to the beach to do.

Not you though. No sir you're here for one thing and one thing only: pick up hot girls. So far you haven't had much luck. Finding hot girls, that is. Problem picking up girls? You? Pfft, yeah right. Still, the day is young, and you're not one to give up easily. You give another look around…

Ah ha! That tasty number over there, the one sitting under an umbrella reading a book. Short blonde hair, no flab, legs to die for, and those breasts! The orange bikini she's wearing could barely hold in those puppies. Mmmm… papa likey. With your target locked, you hurry and make your way before she's scooped up by another player.

"Howdy miss, come here often?" You say as you slow your walk. Ahh, can't beat the classic lines. She merely gave you a passing glance before returning back to her book.

"As a matter of fact, no, it's my first time here." She answered. Perfect lead in for scenario B: tour guide.

"New around here eh? If you don't mind, I can show you around, there's quite a few interesting locations here, like where there's choice waves and the best food." You say, while also adding in your head certain spots like that cave near here where nobody will come.

"Thank you for the the offer, but I don't think my boyfriend would want me to go with a strange man on our day out." She answered as she flipped a page. Dammit, she's taken! Now that you're looking around her, you noticed two bags, one purple and one green. Well you've never been one to back down from the challenge of winning a chick's attention from their lame boyfriends

"Come on girl, ditch that zero," you began, as you start to flex your muscles "and get with the HERO!" Oh yeah you're killing it now. No girl can resist Janiqua and La-sha (pronounced Ladasha), your left and right arms.

Is she giggling? That… was not the response you were looking for. "Oh do forgive me good sir," she said as she coughed to stop her giggling. "While I am sure that there are many fine ladies who would be glad to accompany you, I must repeat that I have a boyfriend whose company I very much prefer to yours."

Before you can talk back, you hear a voice behind you. "Hey Rose, who are you talking to?" This must be the boyfriend. Well, time to make a show of intimidation girls. You flex your muscles before turning around to address the cuck, and seeing just abs and blue shorts.

You look up.

Then you looked further up.

Holy crap where did this giant come from? You're a bit on the short side, but this lumbering hulk has to be at least 2m tall! Your eyes give him a quick look over. Bulging Biceps (don't get jealous girls), those damn abs and chest, heck, even his feet are huge. The only thing ruining the brute 's musclebound looks were his dorky glasses.

As you were too busy being wowed by the oaf's appearance, the girl behind you answered his question. "Oh just a kind gentleman who offered his tourism services to me, but I kindly declined. You were on your way were you not sir?"

Turning back towards the girl, you can see she's done entertaining you. Still, you've got one final ace up your sleeve. Not every muscular dude has the inner strength to match their exterior, so you take a shot of your final trick: scare the musclehead.

"Listen here dork," you say as you jab him in the abs with your fingers, "I don't know how you scored with this girl, but she is going to be spending time with me so step off, you hear me?"

The brute just looked at you confused, before looking over your head to look at the girl behind you. You hear a quiet "You know what to do John. Get rid of him." before you are bodily picked up by her boyfriend.

"WHOA HEY PUT ME DOWN!" Ignoring you, the lad positioned you under one of his arms and held you tight with one arm. Struggle as you might, it's like trying to break through Steel. Holy crap what kind of workout did he do to gain this much strength?

You swore you heard the girl say "Swoon!" before he carries you away, to the giggles of the other beach goers. Argh did they have to humiliate you like this? As you reach the edge of the water the oaf asks, "Can you swim?"

"What kind of stupid fucking question is that? Of course I can swim! Now unhand me you-"

He interrupts you with an "Oh good" before he actually throws you bodily into the water. Gasping for air and spluttering, you wiped the water from your eyes and tried to find him again. No sign of him. Good. Not that you're scared or anything, but you might be done for the day.

As you walk towards your car however, you take notice of another fine female thing. Long black hair, cute face, and a body that one piece swimsuit just isn't hiding yowza! To top it off, the only companion she seemed to have is a thin twig of a man! With confidence, you approach them.

It was too late to notice that this girl was veeeeeeeery similar to the boy from before. Too late to prevent you from limping your way home in any case.

Man, next time you'll steer clear of the 10/10 girls. You'd settle for a 9 next time.


	3. Monday: Childhood and Puberty

Canon Universe, Pale and slightly Flushed John x Rose (one sided and not exactly conscious. You'll see.), slight NSFW? Nothing too explicit.

With one final swing of his mighty warhammer, Sir Egbert slew his vile nemesis, the dreaded Black Wolf. Beyond his fallen foe lies the Princess Berryboo, tied to a stake yet still maintaining a dignified air. Somehow, what with her being… well, Princess Berryboo. As he undid the ropes the princess began showering praises upon him.

"Oh my hero, what can I ever do to repay your kindness?"

"No thanks necessary my lady, it's a hero's duty to save damsels in distress." John answered as the ropes finally fall away. Then the princess gave John a hug which was… weirdly nice.

"Oh, but I simply must give thanks to my hero…" the princess said, as she released John's waist and cupped his head, pulling him closer- WHOA WHAT'S SHE DOING?

"MMPH!" John said as he struggled to push her away, and finally succeeding, rubbing your lips with the back of your hand as you do. "What are you doing my lady?"

"I'm only showing my appreciation for a heroic rescue from such a hunk." She says, her eyes looking half closed and doing things to your body and geez is it hot in here?

"I- I" You say as you back away, only for your back to hit a wall. You turn and briefly wonder where the door went before Princess Berryboo forcefully turned your head back to face her and-

"Wait what happened to your-?" Before your very eyes, you see Berryboo growing hair, her complexion changing, her appendages becoming more human like, and even her face becoming more and more familiar…

"I don't know what you mean Sir Egbert." The Princess said in a voice that is doing weird things to you. Good weird. "Now, just sit back, relax, and let me lead…"

Once again your lips met, and this time you can feel her tongue going inside your mouth. Strangely enough, you don't feel like barfing. It feels… good. You return the favor as your tongue explored her mouth, and your hands start to wander. Your left hand is squeezing her hair, and your right hand is rubbing her back. You can feel her hands separate from the back of your head, one hand rubbing your chest, and the other going down, down, until it's rubbing he front of your lower half.

It feels VERY good.

The Princess stopped kissing you now, leaving you longing for more. You can't help but feel that the way she looks right now is very familiar, but all thoughts are soon lost as she lowers herself and your pants at the same time.

What happens next was a blur, you remember naked flesh meeting naked flesh and you exploring each other's bodies. The last thing you remember she was on top of you, both naked as the day you were born, and that she was going up and down and your lower half feels so good...

John Egbert woke up, slightly dazed and a little bit confused. He can't help but feel like he was interrupted from doing something important, but for the life of him he can't remember what. As time passes and he becomes more alert, he noticed several things almost at once

It was at least late morning with all the sunshine streaming into his room, which allowed him to see thatHis glass of water, or what remained of it, was still on his nightstand and didn't fall on his bed. Which is very important becauseHis bed is very very wet. Which is alarming in and of itself, but then he noticed thatSomebody is knocking on his bedroom door

Before John can process his current predicament further, his bedroom door swung open, and Dad Egbert walked in with a bowl of cereal in his hands and said in his usual loud voice "Good morning John, I didn't see you at breakfast so I-"

As Dad trailed off into silence, John is in his own personal mind hell. Could this be even more embarrassing than it already is?

"Son" Dad began, as John braces himself for a stern talking to. "I am so, so proud of you."

… wait what?

"Huh?" John said, confused as to why his Dad would be proud of a 12 year old son who wets the bed. Dad merely sat on the (dry part) of the bed before continuing.

"John, go clean yourself up and meet me downstairs, I'll be along in awhile." After Dad finished talking, he helped John up from his bed, and gently pushed him towards the bathroom. As John was given fresh clothes and closing the bathroom door, he could see his Dad preparing to clean his bedroom.

John fidgeted nervously in his chair, his bowl of cereal left half eaten. His mind was working overtime, thinking of every possible reason of why his Dad was acting so weird. He was tempted to Pester one of his online friends, but thought it was too embarrassing to talk about. It was about 5 minutes after he gave up eating that Dad came down the stairs, with a book under his arms. Wordlessly, he took a seat across from John and slid the book towards him. John glanced at his father, and looked at the book.

"Puberty and you… a wondrous journey?"

"Indeed my son. You have started down the road that will transform you from a boy to a full fledged man. Now, let us open the book to the first page and we will begin."

And thus began what John would later describe as "The Most Embarrassing 2-3 Hours Of My Life". By the end, John's face was red and he was pretty sure the rest of his body was as well. His mind was still reeling from everything Dad told him about puberty.

Speaking of whom, Dad stood up from his seat, walked around the table, and gave John an almost suffocating hug as he spoke "Son, yesterday you had your first nocturnal emission, or more commonly known as a wet dream. I am so, so proud of you."

Despite feeling so embarrassed he could die, John had to admit he felt a smidge of comfort as his father hugged him. Not that he'd admit it out loud, and so he struggled to break free as he complained "DAD, STOP IT!" After a brief struggle, Dad let go of his son, allowing John to make a mad dash for his bedroom.

Breathing hard and red in the face, John took a moment to compose himself. Alright he's got to vent. He went to his laptop and opened Pesterchum. Only tentacleTherapist is on. Perfect.

ghostlyTrickster [GT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

GT: rose rose rose!TT: Yes John?GT: you will not believe what my dad just did!TT: Alright John, I think I can squeeze you in my busy schedule. TT: Sit comfortably, and tell me what your father did. TT: But first, do you have a card with an ink blot handy near you, and if so, what does it look like to you?GT: i am going to let that slide, but this is serious rose!TT: Wow, serious business. TT: Who are you and what have you done with John?GT: ROSE!TT: Very well, no more jokes. TT: Proceed with your anecdote.GT: okay, but first, you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone else what i'm about to tell you.TT: Not even Dave and Jade, our dearest friends?GT: not even them! GT: you have to swear rose!TT: I swear upon my beloved book of the zoologically dubious and upon the grave of my cat Jaspers that whatever you tell me will die with me and not another soul will know.GT: alright, now, do you know anything about...GT: oh geez how do i say this?GT: wet dreams?GT: rose?GT: are you still there?TT: Forgive me John, I had some pressing business I had to attend to.TT: Alright, to tell the truth, of all the things you could have said, I was definitely not expecting 'wet dreams' and was just staring at at the screen.GT: well, yeah, i guess that is kind of out of the blue. GT: heck, i just had one today and my dad just went on this really long lecture about that icky puberty business.TT: Oh my. TT: Would you say that the experience have traumatized you, or otherwise left a lasting mental scar?GT: embarrassing is what it is rose.GT: oh man i wish i could just wipe the last few hours from my mind.TT: My sympathies John. TT: I had my share of childhood trauma when my Mom gave me 'The Talk'.GT: you too huh?TT: Indeed. TT: It certainly did not help that I suspect she was inebriated while explaining, and I quote, 'the wodorous journey that is poobertea'.TT: But I digress, we are here to talk about your crippling embarrassing moment, not mine.TT: Now spill Egbert.GT: alright alright.GT: so i had the… 'dream', and i woke up just mere moments before my dad knocked the door and opened it!TT: Wow, that is some unlucky coincidence.GT: i know right?GT: then he sent me off to the bathroom while he, uh, cleaned up my… mess.GT: i couldn't eat my breakfast i was so nervous, thinking he was going to be angry.GT: but no.GT: i got 'The Talk'GT: oh god rose, the things he said.GT: hair growing everywhere, nocturnal emissions, me noticing girls more.GT: and then masturbation and sex.GT: the worst part is the book he showed me rose.GT: all those illustrations.GT: my god rose, page 32!GT: eww eww eww!TT: An understandable reaction.TT: I could not help but cringe as well when my Mom practically shoved the book into my faceTT: It seems both our parents had the same book, if your comment about the dreaded page 32 is what I think it is.GT: you feel my pain too huh?TT: I feel you.TT: I feel you deeply.TT: Your feelings I feel deeply.TT: Though for my part, the worst was imagining that my Mom had to do it to conceive me.GT: oh god rose why would you say that?GT: now i'm thinking about my dad doing...GT: you know.GT: it.GT: with whoever my mother was.TT: Misery loves company after all.TT: Aren't you glad that I'm online to share it with you?GT: HA.GT: HA.TT: Jokes aside, how did your father seem to you?GT: what do you mean?TT: As he was explaining puberty. Was he angry, sad, happy, or what?GT: well… he was happy.GT: i think.GT: and he kept saying how proud he was of me becoming a man or whatever.GT: he said my wet dream was a natural process and that there is no shame in it or in masturbation and exploring your body.GT: ugh i I can feel myself going red just remembering it.TT: He has a point however.GT: huh?TT: Bear with me John.TT: After my Mom's less than stellar explanation, I looked up what she said and the links the book providedTT: For the most part what she said was correct, though she mispronounced quite a few terms.TT: But yes, what your father said was true, everyone goes through puberty.TT: While perhaps he shouldn't be so enthusiastic about it, he did the proper thing explaining what is happening to you and what will happen later on in your lifeGT: well, yeah.GT: i guess it is better than leaving me in the dark.TT: So how do you feel now?GT: much better rose, thanksGT: i'm still a little embarrassed, but talking about it makes me feel better.TT: I'm glad I could help.TT: Now I would like to return to a comment you said just now.GT: oh no.TT: Oh yes.GT: rose no don't do your psychology thing now.TT: Too late John.TT: I have trapped you in my slimy squirming appendages.TT: There is no escape.GT: curse your inescapable tentacles rose!TT: Now, when you listed off things that you found embarrassing.TT: You said 'noticing girls more'.TT: Exactly what did you mean when you said that?GT: nothing!GT: it was just embarrassing to hear dad talk about it.GT: i'm not a homosexual if that's what you're trying to say.TT: Huh.GT: what?TT: Nothing, I was just surprised that you knew that word.TT: I don't think it was in that book.GT: yeah my dad was explaining sexual orientations as well.GT: but i am not into guys.TT: Interesting.TT: How are you so sure that you are not interested in boys?GT: well…TT: I will remind you that I am under patient doctor confidentiality TT: As well as under a sworn oath not to tell another person of what you tell me.TT: However, if the reason is too personal.TT: I understand.GT: huh?TT: Even between friends, we all still need our privacy.TT: Something my Mom has yet to learn, though she probably knows about it and ignores it anyway.TT: But yes, if it's too embarrassing, I won't press you John.GT: thanks rose, but it's alright.GT: i'll tell you.GT: least i could do after making you swear.GT: and, well.GT: i feel comfortable telling you anything.TT: Oh thank goodness.TT: Truth be told I'm just dying to know.TT: Is it a girl?TT: Do you have a crush on a girl?TT: Is it someone from your school?TT: *gasp*TT: Is it Jade?GT: whoa whoa slow down rose!GT: jade?GT: where did that come from?TT: Sweet, Strider owes me.GT: what?TT: Nothing.TT: Now, you were about to reveal the reason you said you're not, as you say, into guys?GT: it's, well, it's a bit silly really.TT: I will add the stipulation that I will not laugh no matter what you say to my promise.GT: well alright.GT: it's my dream.TT: The Dream?TT: Juicy.GT: yeah well my dream started off kinda normal you know?GT: i was dreaming that i was a knight, and i slew a monster to save the princess.TT: Generic but a classicGT: yeah, but then it started getting weird.GT: after i freed the princess she started being all...GT: ugh what was that word dad said?GT: sexy.TT: snrkGT: yeah i wasn't expecting princess berryboo to start kissing me and stuff.GT: she was leading me around, or so she said.GT: then she started touching me everywhere.TT: Wait what did you just say?GT: and i was touching her everywhere.GT and i somehow lost all my clothes somewhere in the process.GT: what what did i say?GT: oh.GT: oh crap!TT: John Egbert.TT: Are you telling me...TT: That you had a wet dream...TT: About Princess Berryboo...TT: The multi appendaged princess from the Children's TV Show...TT: Squiddles?GT: oh god.TT: John, be honest.TT: Am I being pranked here?TT: Did Strider put you up to this?TT: Trying to see just how much I'm willing to believe from a friend before you, him, and Jade suddenly flood my chats with derisive laughter and mocking logs?GT: come on i'm pouring my heart out here rose.GT: it's all true.TT: I apologize John.TT: I needed to make sure.TT: You have to admit, this is some choice gossip material that you've given me.TT: Almost too good to be true even.TT: Like a Trojan Horse filled with lies.TT: But yes I can see why you wouldn't want me to laugh.TT: For what it's worth, I did not laugh, chuckle, chortle, or otherwise when I realized what you said.TT: I will say that I smiled, but nary a sound escaped my lips.GT: thanks i guess.TT: So mystery solved.TT: You are not attracted to guys because...TT: You are solely attracted to 2-D animations of a squid.TT: Dave and Jade would be so proud of youGT: HAGT: HAGT: HA rose.GT: besides i wasn't having a wet dream about princess berryboo.GT: not exactly anyway.GT: you see, somewhere in the middle of that weird mess...GT: she...GT: well, she changed into a human girl.TT: Oh.TT: More mundane than I first thought, but it seems rather conclusive after all.TT: John Egbert, I deem you,TT: For now at least,TT: Straight as a pole.GT: told youGT: still, there's something strange about my dream.TT: Stranger than a cartoon squid turning into a real life girl?GT: yeah.GT: the princess turned into someone really familiar.GT: like i feel i know her from somewhere.TT: Hmm, perhaps a movie star?TT: Perhaps your subconscious latched onto a particularly beautiful one, and kept it filed somewhere in your brain until it's finally used for your Dream.GT: yeah that might be it.GT: i don't know, it's just really bugging me.GT: i might have to spend the rest of the day looking up my collection to see if she's in one of them.GT: alright i have to go rose.GT: thanks for listening to me, you're a good friend.TT: My pleasure John.TT: I'm always here to lend an ear for you.TT: Have fun watching your movies.TT: I'll most likely spend my Sunday reading my books.GT: thanks, have a good day rose!

ghostlyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

For the rest of the day, John spent it watching his old movies, scrutinizing it for the mystery girl from his wet dream. Other than some brief interruption from his Dad reminding him to eat, and his other online friends checking in on him, it was a fairly lazy Sunday.

In the end he never managed to find out who the mystery girl is, and he's got school the next day. Back in his room, John started messing around with his computer trying to make heads or tails of this programming business, but it isn't going well. Yawning, he briefly glanced around at his saved pictures of various movie posters and pictures his online friends sent him, before he turned the computer off and headed off to sleep. As he lay there on his bed his last waking thought was of the mystery girl.

Come the morning he mostly forgot about the dream since he had more pressing matters in the form of a forgotten homework. Other than Rose bringing up John's dream a few times, life goes on and the matter was forgotten. Shame really, for had John looked through the pictures he saved from his friends, he would have seen that a certain girl living in New York looks like the spitting image of the transmogrified Princess Berryboo, albeit all grown up.


	4. Tuesday Part 1: Movie

**Movie Date Night**

Alternate Universe, Flushed John x Rose, SFW.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and It's S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night, and you're in the movie theatre on the premiere of the live action adaptation of what is quite possibly your favorite cartoon show, The Wizard's Apprentice. Though for this particular adaptation, they added the suffix 'And The Secret Sign.'. From what you've gathered from various sources, it appears that they're adapting their most popular arc, and one of your personal favorites. A bold move, you think, to adapt an arc well into the series, but despite the misgivings on some fansites regarding the casting and possible plot direction, you're not worried.

Your boyfriend, one John Egbert, said that it was directed by one of his favorite directors, N. Day Llamasan. Despite John's rather… odd choices for his best movies ever list, you've checked out the director's previous works and they were pretty good.

Speaking of, here comes John with all the refreshments his hands can carry. You take your share of the snacks and drinks just as a voice on the speaker announced that the doors to your theater has opened. You start to walk fast towards the theatre and you were about to shove your way through the crowds to get the good seats when John caught up with you and reminded you that this theatre uses numbered seats and you already reserved their seats.

Oh.

Right.

Masking your embarrassment, you let John lead the way inside and into your seats. As the ads and trailers start, you keep wishing that the movie would start already. You've been waiting patiently for the film to come out ever since you've heard rumors of it. Finally, the lights dim, and the IMAX logo started playing. John insisted they watch it that way, and you're very grateful for it. As the logo ends, you can hear a familiar leitmotif. This is it, this is going to be the best night of your life!

This was possibly the worst night of your life. As the credits rolled, you got up from your seat and said to John that you needed to go to the bathroom. He rose up and followed you to the theatre's bathrooms and last you saw him he was patiently standing outside, looking at the 'COMING SOON' posters. You got into a stall, locked it, and buried your head into your palms.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You're not a child anymore, you are 20 years old, you shouldn't be this affected by a movie, no matter how awful it is. But you are. You are practically livid. Growing up you loved the series (one of the few happy memories with Mom was watching it with her), and sometimes during your busy college schedule you still find time to binge watch it. You still scour the fansites looking for engaging discussions regarding the themes and plot, to share and critique fanfiction, and alright maybe engage in a little shipping as well (Yarrow x Joan OTP). The fandom can get a little crazy, but you consider them a part of your life. Sad as that maybe.

Speaking of crazy, you wonder if the film's staff were all off of their proverbial rockers. It's like no one even bothered to so much as glance at the original material. Forget the casting, the actors were wooden as a tree, the character arcs and motivations were all wrong, the setting was changed too much, the CGI was horrendous, and that ending. That twist they added at the end is going to mess up everything if they somehow made a sequel to this. This isn't what you envisioned the movie of the series was going to be like. You would have been content with an okay one even. But this was seriously in the running for worst movie ever, and considering your boyfriend and his infamous taste in movies you definitely know what you're talking about.

Your boyfriend is also one of the reasons you're sitting here stewing and face palming. In the middle of that disaster of a movie you turn toward John to comment and perhaps find some enjoyment, but then you saw the enraptured look on his face (you note that it's only a step down from the look he has when you're in a particularly flattering attire. Or lack of.). To your consternation, John loved the movie. Which you suppose is damning evidence to the quality of said flick.

You sigh as you lift your head from your hands. You know very well that John has been planning this evening in advance, and he absolutely insisted that he be a proper gentlemen and pay for everything. All of this, knowing he paid out of it from the money he got from his part time job, since his Dad got it into his head that the right thing to do is "to pay for an evening out with a lady with your own money". So with the movie being such an awful mess, you decided to take some time and calm yourself so you can once again be proper company for such a gentleman.

Right, that should be enough, you think. You exit out of the stall and wash yourself. As you finish up you notice the stall next to you open up, and you're surprised to see your cousin and fellow enthusiast Roxy. From the looks of it, she didn't enjoy the movie either. Wordlessly, you stare at each, before Roxy shrugged and shook her head. No words needed to be said, you both hated it. You wave goodbye to Roxy as you head out to join John and start your walk home. You steel yourself and prepare for John gushing about the movie along the way.

You thank your lucky stars that everything was in alignment for a quick drive home. From John's choice of a close venue to your apartment, to the lack of traffic and bad weather, and even the apartment's lift immediately opened as you pressed the button. You silently thank your Mom for insisting that you take her money and "find a nice love nest that's just perfect.", love nest comment aside that is. Had you stayed on the campus dorms it would have been hectic to get through the traffic in the area at this hour, and there's the lack of privacy besides.

For John's part, he seemed to be somewhat subdued this evening. Compared to his positively euphoric state when they left the theater, his conversations seem oddly tame. In fact, he hasn't brought up the movie once. You even had to remind him as you drive out of the parking lot not to look at his phone. All he talked about was about how it's such a nice evening (which it was), about how ridiculously strict their lecturers were and the crazy amount of homework they had (you gently reminded him about a paper he had due next week, to which he groaned and muttered a quiet thank you), and what you'll have for late dinner (you both decided to order in some pizza). As you walk inside of your apartment, you look forward to the remainder of your evening of quietly enjoying your pizza while you write a negative review of the movie. You hear John talking on the phone as you enter the bedroom, as you boot up your trusty laptop and think of what to write.

You were halfway through a particularly scathing part of your review when John called you to the living room. Good, pizza's here. As you pass through the living room, you notice a box set on the table in front of the TV, next to John holding the pizza boxes. When asked, John explained that since he knew that you were disappointed, he thought that you two could use the rest of the evening to enjoy the series proper with the complete series boxset, and perhaps also give the makers of the movie a piece of your mind online. That's a really good idea, John always knew how to cheer you up. Although you're not quite sure how he found out…

Realizing how, you ask John to show Roxy's message, which he immediately denied. A little too quickly. After pressing him, he reluctantly showed you his phone. You scroll through Roxy's message, which went along the lines of saying that John should pay more attention to his lovely girlfriend, that she's upset about the movie, and that she needs some… BLT? Scrolling further down you see John ask if she meant TLC, but Roxy insisted that John make Rose a sammich, though she later added yeah some TLC would be nice too.

You gave a smirk as you hand back John his phone, saying that all of this is nice, but you demand your promised sandwich. John then gave a wide shit-eating grin, produced a handkerchief, which he laid down on his open palm. After saying some magical generic magical gibberish, he took away the handkerchief and produced a BLT sandwich on a plate out of nowhere, earning an involuntary gasp from you. Honestly, you're impressed. One of these days you're going to pick apart his delightful little brain and find out exactly how he did it. You gratefully take the sandwich, put it on the table, then quickly embrace John and give him a wet, sloppy kiss, which left him rather dazed (and you giddy, but you're not telling him that) as you lead him to the couch.

For the rest of the evening, you both curled up on the couch, watching choice episodes of the series, debating on how the movie dropped the ball on almost all aspects of the series or even managed to be good (you begrudgingly admit that the remix of a few tracks were indeed an improvement, and John admitted that what happened to the villain was stupid and her original fate was better), discuss all the themes and symbolism peppered throughout (admittedly bullshit and completely made up, though one of John's theories that the start of the series was a deconstruction of the Hero's Journey did made you think), laugh as you both scour the web for impressions of the movie as well as finishing up your review and making up dumb memes (thank you Strider and your shitty photoshop lessons), and basically just being couch potatoes and having a good time eating your pizzas and sandwich.

As you find yourself yawning well past midnight, you turn to see John sleeping on the couch, his head tilted back and lightly snoring. Smiling, you carefully move yourself into a comfortable sleeping position, cuddle John for warmth (mostly), and close your eyes. As you drift off to sleep to the familiar sounds of episode 13 of season 4 (that's when the Apprentices began the dread Ritual), you think to yourself that all in all, this has been a pretty good night.


	5. Tuesday Part 2: Vidya Gaem

This Is What The Refrance: The Vidya Gaem(s)

Alternate Universe, Flushed John x Rose, Flushed Sollux x Aradia, Flushed Dave x Jade, Flushed Karkat x Terezi, Pale Equius x Nepeta, ??? Jane x Roxy x Calliope, Blackrom?/Flushed? Vriska x Kanaya, Slightly NSFW (All the implicatpuns. All of them)

Your name is John Egbert and oh god you're playing the most important video game match of your life and you're losing. Here you are controlling Geromy who is at the mercy of Sweet Bro's Mom, controlled by your girlfriend Rose Lalonde. How did you ever got to this predicament?

You curse Dave and yourself for agreeing to take part in this blasted test.

Sometime ago, but not that long…

Your eyes adjust to your new surroundings after Jade warps you to your destination. You stand before Dave's rather uniquely shaped (a shape you'd rather not think about) Video Game development company, one you have been invited to. It seems Dave has been sending out invites to everyone he knew to participate in a beta testing of several Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff themed video games. Other than yourself, your girlfriend Rose (who is reluctant to be here), and Jade (who suddenly appeared as soon as you replied yes to Dave's email invitation), you can see most of your other friends here. Vriska and Kanaya, Roxy with Jane, Jake, Calliope, and Dirk, even the rarely seen Aradia and Sollux pair, heck it seems that all the SBURB/SGRUB players are here. Though you note that most of them seem to be bickering and complaining at being dragged out here, especially Karkat, shouting everyone's ears off as usual.

Before you can greet any of them though, you can hear doors to the company open with a loud BANG as fireworks shot off and spotlights turn on, filling the night sky with the unmistakable heads of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. The effect was rather impressive… though it would be rather more impressive had they been on the front side of the building. You can hear Dave yell "BOOM BABY! Behold my fellow divine compatriots and welcome to…" before he trailed off. You can hear Jade giggle to your side shortly before Dave suddenly appeared in front of the back door to the building, gave a quick look around, before storming towards Jade.

"Jade what the fuck, I thought you were going to teleport them to the front door?"

Jade stuck out her tongue before answering "I don't have to do everything you say."

"Jade can we please not do this right now?"

"Then when ARE we going to talk about it then?"

As the two lovebirds (or so you thought) started bickering to the entertainment of the crowd, you slowly tilt your head towards Rose. "Uhh, do you know what's happening here?"

"Jade has been texting me a few hours ago, it seems she and Dave got into a huge fight."

"Oh. over what?"

"I'm sworn to secrecy, even towards you John. For what it's worth though, I do believe that your sister is, for once, in the wrong here"

"I HEARD THAT ROSE!"

"Drat, foiled by her dog ears." Rose finished. Jade quickly turned to Dave again before warping away in a huff. Dave just stood there, looking at where Jade was just mere moments ago. An awkward silence was left, only to be broken by Karkat.

"WELL COME ON STRIDER LET'S START THIS THING, SOME OF US WANT TO GO BACK TO SLEEP!", which earned him a sharp poke from Terezi's cane. "WHAT? THEY'LL BE FINE, COUPLES FIGHT ALL THE TIME."

"Uhh… right." Dave said, still looking in the same direction before turning towards the crowd. "Alright divine dudes with way too much time to kill, let's get this party started. Just follow the handsome devil with the sunglasses- me, not Dirk obviously- no offense Dirk- and get ready for the best night of your life." Shoving his hands into his pockets, Dave kicked a stray pebble away as he led the huge group of people into the building.

John just looked at Rose, who shrugged. "Let's just get this over with and let's get back to our dinner."

"Heh, yeah, dinner." You nervously say, as you play with the thing in your pocket. Rose just looked at you oddly before the two of you joined the others inside the building.

Despite all odds, you actually won the game. The best part is, when you opened the Door, you had the option to revive any Dead Players. After the celebration and reunion, and some sadness that you couldn't revive non-Players, you enter your universe. In addition to the planets you brought over to the new universe, your new home (Planet Cage, thanks to John winning the raffle to name the new planet despite several player's attempts to cheat.) was a strange mixture of Earth and Alternia with a mix of Humans and Trolls living there. If the legends are true, there might have been a Cherubim sighting a long time ago. You all decide on what each of you want to do, some choosing to more actively control their Divine Aspects and to not interfere with the affairs of mortals, and some living incognito amongst the humans. Every so often there's a get together as the more godly players descend into the mortal plane, or the mortal players ascend to join their pantheon's ranks. In the end what you do is mostly share gossip and talk about who is banging who.

In this case, Dave sent out the invites, so here you all are hobnobbing with the mortals. You, Rose, Dave, and Jade are amongst the ones that decide to give being human a shot, and so far you really love it. It has been 6 years since the game ended, and it's been a blast returning to school and joining the workforce and all that crap. Retaining your Wind powers to make your life easier certainly helped. Dave certainly reaped the benefits of being a Time player, as he became a stock market legend and has more money than a small country. He mostly funnels it back to various art projects and pointless purchases (Rose once commented that Dave purchased a huge tract of land in Texas and made various construction and plantation projects that when seen from outer space can be read as Kawaii as fuck. You burst out laughing at that). One such project is his Multimedia juggernaut Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, booming past its lowly webcomic roots and is a hit movie, tv series, comic book, manga, anime, and novel. Now it seems Dave wants to corner the Video Game market, and has enlisted your aid in testing his newest products.

At least, that's what Dave has been talking about as he stands on a podium, addressing everyone on his mic. "I want all of you to open the envelopes I gave you, and head into the rooms designated number 1. There will be a manual containing the basic gist of the game, but feel free to ignore it if you've got mad skills. There will also be a comment and suggestions sheet for you to fill after you've finished testing the game. Oh, and Terezi, for the love of god please don't lick them, just have someone else read them to you and help you write them."

"Hmmph."

"After you finish testing the games for half an hour, please move on to the next game in the list. One last thing, every room will be under recorded surveillance so I can review your experience at my own time." He waggled his eyebrows at that point, to the groans of a few people. "If you need further help, my paid flunkies will be ecstatic to do so. Ain't that right fellas?" He gestured towards the crowd of uniformed personnel in black sunglasses next to the stage, who all just grumbled. Dave turned back towards his fellow players and said "Alright, go forth and play my godly dudes. I'll see you all in a couple of hours." Dave finished, before suddenly disappearing and dropping his mic. John looked around for a bit before leaning to Rose again.

"Where do you think he went off to?"

"Probably to find Jade and beg she take him back. Pity really, my brother has no idea Jade has him wrapped around her fingers." Rose said, as she takes a look at the envelope she's given, then looks at yours. "Huh, it seems your schedule and mine match exactly."

"Really?" You look at both your lists. "Huh, that's weird." You look up, and it seems that almost everyone was paired, as two by two everyone went off into their rooms. Although you note that a large group of players headed off into a single room. You wonder what game it is.

"John, let's go. Our room is this way." Rose said, pointing to an unopened door. You both head in to find an old time Famicom console on a table (really Dave?), sitting between a really large flat screen TV, and a comfy looking couch with a manual resting on top of it. You take the manual and read out loud the title.

"Sweet Broquest and Hella Jeffpg. A JRPG retraux 8-bit adventure through the magical realm of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. Roleplay your way to save that Choice Ass. Dare you enter our magical realm?"

"Let me see that." She says, taking the leaflet away from you. "Ahh, I thought as much, you didn't pronounce the misspellings."

"Yeah I didn't want to subject you to that torture." You say as you take a seat on the couch and start up the game and turn on the television.

"My ears and brain thank you." She replied, taking a seat next to you and grabbing the 2nd player controller.

"Oh, huh, we can play 2 players?" You ask as you grab the 1st player one.

"According to the manual, it seems I can control Sweet Bro with the 2nd Controller for 'tuo player fune'." She waved dismissively, as the game company logos start appearing on the tv… accompanied by a really annoying screeching voice mispronouncing the company's name.

"Oh joy, what a delightful evening we have in store." Rose muttered, as the noise died down and the title screen appeared. If the voice from before was annoying, the music now was aggravating.

"Oh god start the game already." You wince as you press all the buttons hoping the music would end. It did, and thankfully the replacement music wasn't too bad as an explanation text about the background of the story scrolled on by. "You mind if I skip it Rose?"

"Knowing Dave, I have a feeling that he conveniently forgot that feature." Unfortunately, she proved to be right, as none of the buttons this time worked to skip the text full of errors. Then it froze.

"Uhh, Rose? I think it crashed on us."

"Wait I think I remember something about this" she says, as she combed through leaflet again. "Ahh here it is." She says triumphantly, as she opened the console's cd cover, took out the disc, and closed it again. The screen changed so it displayed 'Please insret Disk', at which point Rose replaced the Disc and the game skipped ahead to what appears to be a playable part of the game.

"The manual really said that?"

"Indeed. It appears that whoever was in charge of the event sequences never actually finished them, and they had to input a workaround so you can skip them and not crash." Rose says as she hands the manual to you. You glance around and notice something.

"Uhh… almost all of the pages is a list of how to workaround the bugs in the game."

"I've noticed that. We're in for a long night John." Rose muttered.

You gulp. Rose is in a bad mood, definitely not the time for your previous plans. Resigning yourself to your fate, you move Hella Jeff around and into his destiny. Which was much closer than you think as you exit out of what you assume to be Hella Jeff's room into what appears to be the killscreen from Pac-Man, and Hella Jeff gets stuck in the middle of the glitched mess.

"Uhh…" you began.

"I'm on it John. Oh." From the edge of your vision you can see her frowning. "Unfortunately, once we encounter this screen, this means that the rest of the game is broken. What we should have done was open Hella Jeff's drawers and closet first before exiting the room."

"Oh. Does that mean…" you dread what you think she's about to say.

"Yes John. We're going to have to reset the game and start all over again."

You groan. A long night indeed.

As it turns out, the game turned off automatically after the 30 minute mark has passed, and the television had a 'thank you now write and move on' written in it. It certainly felt like more. Rose is currently, and furiously, writing everything wrong about the game, while you finished yours just mere moments ago. Thankfully they didn't run into anymore game-crashing bugs, but other bugs, ooh boy did they hit the mother load.

They range from relatively harmless ones of pixelated graphics ("But Rose, how will we understand the story if we can't read what any NPC is saying?" "Indeed, it would be a loss for all of humanity if we cannot understand the literary masterpiece Dave wrote."), to annoying ones where you can't target an enemy ("Curses, Sweet Bro just refuses to make this happen." "Wait hold on, Hella Jeff has a multi target attack move, let me do it."), and even a beneficial one. ("Rose, why do I suddenly have Leather Armor to the amount of 'pixelated mess', 6, 'differently shaped pixelated mess', and asterisk?" "We're in luck, we just stumbled upon a rare beneficial item duplication glitch. We can sell it for an endless supply of monies."

Their last glitch was also the straw that broke Rose's patience. Their first boss fight, Vampire Jeff, was unbeatable. No matter what they did, no matter how much damage they racked up, he just wouldn't stay down. To make matters worse, the boss just kept using non-damaging moves, so they couldn't even get a proper game over. Frustrated, Rose opened the manual and found out that it was supposed to be an unbeatable boss, but for some reason the trigger to end the battle wouldn't work. At that point Rose tossed the manual in disgust and screamed "STRIIIIDEEEERRRR!"

Which was followed by Sweet Bro suddenly going on a massive rant about socks ands cans, which somehow caused the game to continue to the next scene with Vampire Jeff gloating over his victory. You both stare dumbfounded before you separate, Rose looking at her controller, and you searching the book.

"Oh. Hahaha. I guess screaming into your controller lets you use a special voice activated command. I guess they missed trying that one huh?"

"So it would seem. John, be a dear and turn away would you?"

You obediently do so, and close your ears in preparation as Rose took out her velvet pillow. Sure enough, Rose screamed into the pillow, luckily enough muffled so it was barely a whisper and the game ended by itself, ending your torment.

After Rose finished, they both walk out and consult their lists, as the other participants milled about and talked about their experience.

"It's alright Equius, the staff said that they had plenty of controllers to spare!"

"THIS ALMOST MAKES ME WISH I WAS PLAYING THAT STUPID SGRUB GAME INSTEAD!"

"I wwish I can just shoot all of Dave's stupid games and be done with it."

"Ith'th fucking inthane how bad the gameth are programmed, ith'th almothth like he did it on purpothe!"

"Oh come on Sollux, it's not that bad. I saw you smiling when you figured out how to win that unbeatable stage!"

"WOO in your FACE Strider! Roxy is number 1!"

You mostly ignore them though, as you wrack your brain trying to think of a way to salvage the evening, or at the very least calm Rose down. You were so deep in thought that it was only when you opened the door to your room that you noticed Rose was not with you. You turned around to see Rose looking at Sollux and Aradia, who disappeared behind the doors to your previous room.

"Pitying them Rose? Don't worry, Sollux is a genius, he'll probably get farther than we did. Though he might just blast the TV instead." You say, hoping to lighten the mood. When Rose stopped looking back and turned back towards you, you can see her brows furrowed from thinking. It's adorable really.

"You know, I do believe we have been going through this whole testing thing all wrong." Rose said, as she rubbed her chin with one hand and supported her arm with her other hand.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we've been playing like we're expecting that there is some semblance of a game somewhere within the seemingly infinite pile of glitches in the game. But, if we change our perspective and expect the bugs and figure it into our experience, we just might have a fun night after all." She says as she prepares the next console and TV. You can see some broken controller pieces on the ground, seems Equius and Nepeta used this room before you.

"Uh, I'm not still sure what you mean Rose. Like… you want to play with the bugs or something?"

"Exactly. Instead of trying to avoid them, let us embrace them. Let their game crashing capabilities be a key feature instead of an obstacle. Let us push the games to the utmost limits until they break down and cry. Let us break out of our ennui and eviscerate these shittily made software and gorge ourselves from their error prone viscera. What I'm saying John," She says, as she leaned closer towards you, "is let's break the games."

"Huh. Well yeah, I guess finding new ways to break the games would be kind of fun."

"Ahh, but that's not the only thing I thought of John. How about a… wager?"

That piqued your interest. "Oh? What would we be competing on?

"The winner is the one that managed to pull off the most impressive glitch within the time limit. The one who amassed the most glitches from our list wins."

You grin. That does sound fun. "I'm in. What are the rules?"

"No looking in the manuals for the list of errors in the game. When we can't decide who won, we'll consult them and the one who discovered a new bug wins. Else we just flip coins."

"Agreed. So what are we competing for?"

"How about…" Rose tapped her chin, thinking before shortly grinning "Loser has to do whatever the Winner wants them to do."

"Deal! Prepare to lose Rose! You're no match for me! I'm the Friendleader that lead us to victory after all."

"Ahh, but don't underestimate the strategist, lest their wily ways confuse you and leave you in the dust."

"Yeah yeah." You say, as you pick up your controller. The title screen awaits your command. "Put your money where your mouth is Lalonde."

"Famous last words Egbert." She says, picking up her controller.

The night went by a lot faster now that you're having fun. You vaguely recall the confused looks from the others as you stumble out of a room laughing your heads off. You can't help it though, the racing game you tested ended with your win. Rose's valiant effort in somehow managing to land right in top of the goal line and not being able to move at all was no match when you somehow managed to reverse your character into the sky, not coming back down and for some strange reason had a negative position that kept going further below 0.

"That… is some unreal air." You say.

"Lifdoff I'd say." Rose replied.

It was all you could do to glance at each other before bursting out laughing and wasting the remainder of your time. In the next room players had to test a platformer, switching between players 1 and 2 after a death. John thought he had it in the bag when he turned Sweet Bro, the entire stage, and all the enemies into horrible glitched out pixels that you can't tell where everything actually is. Rose managed to outdo him when she as The Pixel Graphic Formally Known As Hella Jeff inexplicably zoomed across the entire stage, past the goal, into the next stage and all the way to the end of the game knocking out what you presume is the final boss, or might have been the prize awaiting you at the end of the game, and even past the beginning of the credits and crashed the game.

"Well, it's no acrobatic pirouette supersonic swan dive, but I dare say I won this round. Dare I say it's even worth two wins?" She suggested, turning off the game.

"Not a chance." You laugh, helping her up.

With the scores tied at 2-2 (you decided to count the RPG game as a tie), you move on to your next game, an FPS. This one was unfortunately rather one sided because no matter what John did none of his controller inputs would make The Big Man do a thing in the half hour he had, not even switching controllers. Meanwhile, Rose's squirrel's nut weapon destroyed everything. EVERYTHING. From innocent supposedly immortal bystanders to the what was supposed to be indestructible environment, leading to both their characters falling into an endless Void… which ended when Rose threw another nut and somehow destroyed the background and themselves, stopping them from spawning again. Even though technically John's error ended his game, Rose's destroy absolutely every fucking thing was definitely more impressive. Point Rose.

Evading an increasingly angry Karkat and Terezi provoking him further, you start up the next game, a two player arcade Dance game. "Hah! No way you're beating me here Rose, I'm the Emissary of Dance!" You proudly exclaim, as you show off your slick (video-game) dance steps.

Rose just countered by showing off her admittedly sick footwork. "Ahh, but can you keep up with my Dance of Thorns, oh great Emissary?"

"Shut up and dance with me Rose."

You both danced your heart out, and later on when you saw your dance moves from the camera's perspectives you would have to admit that what you thought were awesome dance moves were, in fact, dorky to say the least. But for now, you're just two idiots in love trying their damnedest to break the game. By the end you two got into an argument over whose foot stomps caused the game to switch the dance pad inputs and made it so that John's dance pad now controlled Rose's character Geromy and vice versa as well as causing all the songs to play at the same time. When Nepeta and Equius shooed the two of you away you both decided to just call it a tie. You also discussed how badly Equius was going to wreck the building as you head to your next room.

Your next game was a Real Time Strategy game. "Really Dave?" you comment as you boot up your PC.

"It would appear that he's branching out and getting his grubby hands in all game genres. Though I must admit, this was a rather unexpected move." Rose said, as she massaged her thighs while waiting for the game to start. You start massaging yours as well, you think you pulled something back there.

The game got off to a rough start until you figured out that trying to claim resources actually decreases the total you have, and using them actually increases them. The game quickly became chaotic as both sides deployed whirlybirds upon whirlybirds and submerging cars against the other, but much to their disappointment (and surprise), the game was otherwise stable. The manual also only listed that bug. Still a shitty as fuck game, but as long as the resource usage reversal was fixed it seems the game is good to go. You decide to make it a tie but give give no points to either of you, with the current score being 3 to 4 in Rose's favor. However, as you hand in your comments and suggestion to the box guarded by one of Dave's minions, you notice Sollux's paper.

"Holy crap Rose, look at this thing!" You show Rose Sollux's comments, who somehow discovered no less than 10 game breaking bugs and a lot more miscellaneous errors.

"I see we've been rather lax in our attempts to It seems we need to step up our game John. We can't let our resident Psychopomp and her consort beat us. What's left?"

"Let's see... " You say as you head out into the common room again and head off to your next room. You pass by a depressed Calliope being comforted by Jane and Roxy. "Huh that's weird. I wonder what's got her depressed?"

"It would appear that it's because she was forced to confront and emulate feelings that her species is incapable of having." Rose said as you enter the room, and you both take a seat.

"Huh?"

"She was playing a dating simulator John." Rose explained as she pointed to the list. Oh.

"Eugh, I don't know about this one Rose. I've heard about these kinds of games from Dave, aren't there usually… you know… sex scenes?"

"It says here that there are indeed adult scenes, but you're luck is most fortuitous today John, " Rose handed the manual over to you, pointing at a particular passage, "they included an option for an all ages version of the game. Although I find your reluctance on viewing sexual materials rather strange, considering what we were doing earlier today with our-"

"BUT THAT'S PRIVATE ROSE!" You yell, as you animatedly gesture towards the goons standing nearby and to the surveillance cam above them. At least, you think that's the camera. In any case you hope Rose gets the message that everything is being recorded.

"Relax John. I'm sure the good people of… whatever this place was called are good at keeping secrets. Besides," she says looking up at the corner of the- oh there's the camera, "it's not like Dave is any stranger to what two consenting adults in the bedroom. Remember the spacetime incident?"

You wince. "Don't remind me." You mutter. Ahh yes the dread incident where Dave and Jade got about too into it, and basically warped all over time and space. Like last month into your bedroom right when you and Rose were making love. You swear up and down that not only did Dave see, but you could have sworn so did Jade. Rose insists only Dave saw, and through her mysterious ways managed to keep him quiet.

Also, doggy style? Really Dave?

Rose probably sensed that this is a sensitive matter as you hear her say "Very well, if you wish to keep our affairs private to the eyes of two literal gods of time and space, then what happens between a gentleman and a lady behind closed bedroom doors stays behind closed bedroom doors…"

"Thank you-" You start before Rose continued.

"And the closet doors, and the bathroom doors, and the classroom doors, and-"

"Rose!"

"I'm just teasing you John. If you're this skittish with words, I wonder how you'd fare when I win and you'll have to do anything I say. Perhaps cleaning the house for a whole month?"

You gulp. Rose may say that her presence in your humble abode adds some feminine touch to the house, but truthfully… she's kind of a slob and you're certain she knows it. You love this woman, but you dread the very thought of being solely responsible for the cleanliness of your household instead of sharing the burden.

That's it. You're determined to win this bet. Well, even more than you were before. As a plus, winning means she'll have to do whatever you want.

… whatever you want...

A vision of you and Rose in front of everyone flashed through your mind. You hastily shove a hand into your pocket, breathing a sigh of relief when you feel the reassuring material of the box. If- WHEN you win, she can't refuse.

Rose raised an eyebrow when you turn to look at her. "You're suddenly energetic. You really don't want to be stuck cleaning the toilet for a month huh?"

Wordlessly you nod, and urge Rose to take the first turn on the small portable machine. Still confused, she nevertheless had an impressive first showing as she somehow managed to unlock an adult scene (much to your embarrassment.)

"In hindsight," Rose said as she wrinkled her nose in disgust, "I don't know what I was thinking choosing Peaches as my target." After her 15 minutes of YIFFing (or was it bestiality? You'll have to ask Dave or Jade for the difference) are up, you're up to bat. You immediately found the text skipping option and rushed your way like a madman down the available options, making Rose remark "But don't you want to read that number 1 bestseller romantic prose that is Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff: The Dating Experience?". You swear you saw Rose giving you a withering stare when you were going through Sweet Bro's Mom's route. As the clock continued ticking down, you started sweating as time runs out. Just when you think the miracle will never happen, it did!

"What's that smell?"

"She who smelt it dealt it Rose." You reply, as you continued to hold down the skip text button. You were on the true route, The Ultimate Orgy of Homosexuality, and you were desperate for anything to top Rose's error.

"How mature. No I'm talking about that weird- JOHN LET GO!"

"What are you- HOLY CRAP!" You drop your portable console just in time as it burst into flames, when mere moments ago it was smoking. Dave's grunts immediately covered the thing in a fire-retardant blanket, and profusely apologized for the incident.

"John, are you alright? Let me see your hands- John, stop fist pumping and shouting woo-hoo and let me look at you. Okay, you didn't get burned that's a relief. I dare say that would have been worth at least 3 points considering- John, stop doing the Irish Jig combined with the Robot- considering that your error completely destroyed the disc, the system, and the carpet- wipe that smug look off of your face- had we not set a precedent that the beet glitch is only worth one point. Don't look so down John, you managed to even things up, and there's 1 last game to play."

You hurriedly look at your list. Your last game is called 'The One Where SBaHJ beat each other up'

"Fighting game?"

"Fighting game."

"Well no time like the present. Come on Rose let's finish this!" You hold Rose's hands and run towards your final destination, resisting the urge to just zap the both of you there.

"Normally I'd say your eagerness to beat me up in the virtual world would be cause for alarm, but yes I also share your desire to put an end to this." She says, keeping up with you easily. You throw open the doors as you prepare for the final battle… and stood still in shock.

"EGBERT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT ARE ALL OF YOU DOING HERE?"

"Heeeeeeeey Joooooooohn!"

"Rose, What A Pleasant Surprise. At Least I'll Have Good Company For Once Tonight."

"Don't you start with me again, bitch!"

"Well, at leaththt you're noth Eridan."

"Hi John! Hi Rose!"

"Hi Aradia! Hi Karkat! Hi Vriska! Hi-"

"John, we'll be here all night if you keep that up." Rose says, before turning to address the others. "Hello everyone. I suppose the reason we're all here is that monstrosity in the middle?"

You turn towards what appears to be 8 arcade consoles in a circular formation, with Terezi giving it several experimental taps. Actually, you notice one of the arcade machines seems to be different than the others, and you can see the wreckage of one of them in the corner.

"Whoa, that must have been some glitch that destroyed the machine."

"Actually," a familiar voice said by your ear, surprising you. "From what I've been told it was because of a certain-"

"EQUIUS."

"Equius."

"Equius."

"Equius."

"Equiuth."

"Equius."

6 voices rang out at the same time, though your attention was solely concentrated on the first voice. Turning your head, you see-

"Dave! You're back!"

"The one and only bro." Dave, looking slightly disheveled. You can see your sister standing behind him, looking like her normal self. She still seems to be a bit angry though, if her frown is anything to go by. "So, I heard that you managed to destroy one of my systems Egbert. Mad respect."

"Oh. Haha, yeah sorry about that Dave. I had no idea that would happen. But hey, I discovered the error before you sold them, so that's good right?"

"Acthually," you hear Sollux speak up, "I already nothed thath parthicular bug in my reporth."

"What." You hear Rose growl behind you.

"Yeah, I wath playing thath ththupid relathionthip game when I nothiced the thigns. We didn'th bother tho do the glitch, Aradia wath worried ith wath going to hurth thomeone. Anyway, whath'th got your panthieth in a bunch Rothe?

"Oh nothing," you answered for her. "We just thought we discovered a brand new glitch that's all."

"Well good news Egbert, this game is the most stable one my guys have produced, so you can play it uninterrupted."

"WHAT?"

"WHATH?"

You yell, then turn to Sollux. You know why you're yelling, but why is he?

"Interesting," Rose narrowed his eyes at Sollux, who is being calmed down by Aradia. " John, it would appear that we're not the only ones that are more interested in the glitches than in the games themselves."

"Oh, you too?" Aradia piped up. "It was the only way to get Sollux to have fun tonight."

"Wait What Are We Talking About Here Exactly?" Kanaya looked back and forth between you and Rose with Sollux and Aradia.

"Ith'th meanth John, Rose, Aradia, and me just wanted to find new wayth of breakung the game." Sollux answered.

"Ooooooooh that sounds awesome!"

"Of Course You Would Find That Amusing."

"That does sound fun! Karkat, why didn't we think of that?"

"BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY LAUGHING AT ALL THE STUPID REFERENCES TO DAVE'S COMIC!"

"Wait wait wait, let me get this straight." Dave said, walking closer to the trolls. "You guys," he pointed at your group and Sollux's before continuing, "spent all night trying to destroy my hard work instead of enjoying Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff in that most awesome of medium of entertainment mankind has ever invented, Video Games?" Dave finished, looking back and forth. "I thoroughly approve." He clapped.

"Wait, you're not mad?" You ask, searching his face (damn you birthday gift sunglasses) for any trace of his anger.

"Mad? Nah. Just mostly disappointed at myself at myself for not thinking of it first. It almost bring tears to my eyes that I lack the capacity to think of such an ironic way of enjoying these shitty games. The student has become the master. I'm so proud of you John." Dave said, wiping an imaginary tear away from under his sunglasses

"I knew ith!" Sollux accusingly fingered Dave.

"Yeah yeah I didn't bother to Alpha test most of these so sue me." Dave shrugged before addressing you all. "Alright since all of you want to see this whole thing burn down in flames,"

"I Never Agreed To This."

"since everyone except Kanaya wants to see this mother burn to ashes, let's make this interesting." Dave said, rubbing his hands.

"Oh um, me and Rose were already doing a bet-" Rose elbowed you before you could finish, shushing you.

"Ooh really? What did you bet about?" Jade said, breaking her silence for the first time. Rose was right (she almost always is), darn her dog ears.

"Oh uh nothing." You say, trying to communicate telepathically to your Sister to shut up. "The loser has to do anything the winner tells them to do."

"Oh? Wait, John, don't tell me you're going to force Rose to-"

"Shush!" You close Jade's mouth with your hands, hoping Rose doesn't realize what she's talking about. Looking around, you let out your breath seeing Rose busy trying to prevent Vriska and Kanaya from tearing each other apart. Then you looked slightly to see left to see a grinning Terezi. It took you a moment to realize she was grinning at you, though you can't-

Oh no.

Oh god not her.

You release Jade who you left complaining as you dash towards Terezi, evading a snarling Karkat as you grabbed her. "What do you know and how do I keep you from telling what you know?"

"Hee hee hee whatever could you mean John?" She knows oh god she knows everything.

"Please please please! Terezi please don't mess up my plans tonight."

"Hmm…" she teased, "I don't know, I think I'll just walk right over there and tell Rose-"

Oh god Karkat is stomping his way here you're running out of time. "I'll do anything you want!" You blurted our desperately.

"Deal." Terezi said right as Karkat separated and stood between you two.

"WHAT IN GOG'S NAME ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MATESPRITE EGBERT?"

You try to placate Karkat as you see Vriska talk with Terezi. Probably asking what that's about. Thankfully Terezi is just grinning and shaking her head.

"If you dudes and dudettes are quite done, I was in the middle of laying down the ground rules to this whole shebang." Dave's voice was heard booming through the room

Wait what?

"What rules?"

"The rules to winning enough money to buy a 20 floor condominium, cash upfront."

All of you immediately shut up and paid attention to Dave. You're reasonably certain some of them don't need money or could conceivably use their powers to gain more than that, but that much money from playing a game? Even Aradia, who you thought would be above it all, is looking at Dave with rapt attention.

"Now that I have your attention, the rules are this: the winner will be the first one that discovers a glitch in this, my perfect game, will win the money. But, should no one discover any glitch, the last one standing will win half the pot. Oh, and no using your god powers. I happen to be very attached to this piece of * rundown building, so no cheating."

Sounds good. Then you noticed Aradia raising her hand. "Yes my fellow god of Time?" Dave asked.

"What about the others?"

Dave made a show of being put on the spot before calmly saying "Fuck 'em. Offer only stands to you guys. What do you say?"

You glance at Rose. "We still on?"

"You're not getting off the hook that easy John. Bet's still on."

"Attaboy Lalonde. Just dropping a bet is like kissing your sister and leaving her without sexing her up or letting her know she sucks at this."

The room got deathly still after that.

"What?" Dave asked, looking around the room.

"STRIDER HOW DO YOU KEEP COMING UP WITH STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT?"

"It's a gift and a curse my troll. A gift and a curse. Now, if everyone is in on this, here's how it's going to go down…"

Well, here you are, waiting backstage with your other competitors as Dave sets up your 'arena of destiny'. His words. You peek out of the curtains. It seems they moved all of the arcade consoles to this huge auditorium and are trying to set it up so your screens will appear on the huge TVs hanging from the ceiling. You can see Equius, Dave, and Jade ordering around the poor overworked Dave Peons as well as the other players on the seats all talking animatedly with each other.

You head back inside. Geez, this got out of control fast. You were expecting to just face alone, but now… you look and gauge your fellow competitors:

You shake your head. This is Rose! Your girlfriend, and hopefully after tonight something more. Your Seer of Light. One of your oldest and best friends. She wouldn't betray you over a game. Your mind made up, you walk up next to Rose and popped the question. No not that one, the other one.

"Allies?"

"Of course. Now which of these losers shall we unleash our combined wrath on first?" You then talk strategy, happy that at least she's here for you. Until it's time to beat each other that is.

From backstage, you can see what's happening in the main stage. After everyone else finished setting up and left the stage, Dave remained in the main stage and addressed the crowd, blinding spotlights centering on him. "Ladies and gentleman you could have been anywhere in he universe tonight, but you're here tonight."

"Wwell yeah, that is wwhat literally happened. You had your girlfriend kidnap us and wwarped us here."

"No comments from the peanut gallery thank you. As I was saying before I was so lamely interrupted, ARE YOU READY TO BE ENTERTAINED?"

The viewers shouted a loud yeah. "Alright, tonight, 8 players will be fighting in my completely error free game, hoping to either discover a hitherto unknown glitch and win the entire cash prize, or else be the last god standing and win half the cash prize."

"Now without further ado, HERE ARE YOUR COMPETITORS!"

"First up, she's got one hell of a Megalovania- sorry, megalomaniacal and Superego streak, she's got a Spider's Claw, a Spider Bite, and a really bad case of Spider Breath-"

"HEY!"

"Here She is our own Cobalt Thief of Light, VRIIIISSKAAAA!"

Vriska ran to the stage, the a mixture of boos and cheers. "Shut up Tavros! I know that was you!" She yelled, then chose her machine.

"Up next, keeper of the Virgin Orb-"

"Matriorb, Without The Virgin Prefix."

"-the Matriorb, the Lilith in Starlight that bisects her enemies to a Requiem of Sunshine and Rainbows, our Jade Sylph of Space, our DAAAARLIIIING KANAYAAAAAAAA MARYAM!"

"Why Add Darling? Oh Nevermind." Kanaya walked listlessly to some polite clapping, and a very quiet boo, as she picked a machine next to Vriska.

"You know her Blind Justice Investigations, you fear her Sound Judgement, and I even helped her recreate the Lemonsnout Turnabout. It's our Teal Seer of Mind, TEREZIIIIII PYROOOOOOPE!"

She went out on stage gleefully, bowing to the audience. Well, where she thought the audience was in any case. After Dave turned her towards the audience, she carefully made her way next to Vriska.

"Following up, he's the Frustracean Crustracean-"

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?"

"- who went through the land of Phaze and Blood-"

"PULSE AND HAZE!"

"Pulse and Haze and brought along Calamity by a Galactic Cancer-"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD BRING THAT UP AGAIN!"

"- who is here for the final Showdown, it's the one and only Iron Knight of Blood, KAAAAAARKAT VANTAAAAAAAAS!"

Snarling, Karkat stomped his way past Dave and ignoring the cheering crowd as he took his place next to Terezi.

"She's the Arisen Anew fellow Time Shenanigans player who will Psychoruin your day, it's time for you to Ascend, Rust Maid of Time ARADIAAAAAAAA MEGIDOOOOOO!"

"Hi Dave! Happy to be here." She says, waving to the clapping and cheering crowd, before choosing… huh. She chose the next machine over from Karkat.

"He's the the Gold Pilot who broke through The Last Frontier in programming and psychic abilities, he's The Blind Prophet-"

"Half blind."

"-Half Blind Prophet who brought SGRUB to the trolls, let's hear it for the Gold Mage of Doom, SOLLUUUUX CAPTOOOOOOOOR!"

Sollux for his part silently made his way to the machine between Karkat and Aradia, though he did flip the bird to the audience. Presumably for Eridan.

"She's here to Aggrievocation and give a Starfall on all of her her fellow competitors, she's gone through an Endless Climb through the Earthsea Borealis as the Black Rose that gave birth to the Green Sun, she suffered from a Rustless Fall to become the Orchid Horror, give a round of sound for our Seer of Light and my ecto-sister, ROOOOOOOOSE LALOOOOOONDE!"

"See you soon John." Rose said as she strode confidently to the stage, choosing the machine next to Kanaya.

"Last, and most fucking certainly not least, he's the Green Ghost friendleader Doctor Planet Healer Savior of the Waking World, he's the Boy Skylark- well, Man Skylark Heir Transparent with Heir Conditioning, who Plays with and Does the Windy Thing, Wielder of the Warhammer of Zillyhoo, it's finally fucking Showtime for our Heir of Breath, Get Up for your Awakening, time to Conclude this JOOOOOOOOHN EGBEEEEEEEERT!"

When you walk out of the backstage and into the spotlight, the crowd positively roared. Holy crap, you weren't expecting everyone to back you this much! Bolstered, you pull off one of your patented John Egbert Jokes.

"Hey, thanks everyone. Hey, if anyone is out of breath from all that cheering, I can certainly try and help with that!" to finish it off, you double finger gun the audience. To your disappointment, the crowd just drifted off to complete silence. Not even a cricket sound or a microphone feedback. "These are what we call jokes everyone." Deathly still. "Wow. tough crowd." You look around the crowd to see if anyone is laughing before moving on to the last available machine. You can see Rose burying her face in her palms, but she knew what she was getting into when you two started dating. She looked up just enough so you can see her eyes.

"John, I am breaking up with you."

"Ehh, you'll get over it Rose." You wave her away dismissively.

"I thought that was funny John." Aradia said, giggling, as she copied your pose from before.

"Thanks Aradia." At least someone appreciates comedy here. You lean towards Rose.

"Our game plan still on?"

She gave a thumbs up as Dave called for the audience's attention once again.

"Alright, the game has been ready and waiting for all of you to play them like a weaboo fatty, so contestants, CHOOSE YOUR PLAYERS! That is, choose the random button."

You pick the random button and see you got Geromy. Luckily the time Dave allowed you to look at the manual gave you at least some basic understanding of how yo use the characters, and he even allowed another minute to look at the manual again after you chose your characters. You look at the gigantic Wall TVs that shows what's on each of your screens so the audience can follow. Each TV helpfully has your name, so you can see Rose got Sweet Bro's Mom, Terezi got Sweet Bro, Karkat got Hella Jeff, Vriska got The Big Man, Kanaya got Peaches, Aradia got the Squirrel, and Sollux… still hasn't moved.

"Uh Sollux my man? Anytime now?" Dave impatiently said.

"Almothth… THERE!" He slammed the confirmation button with way more force than needed and got… The Big Man as well, albeit with a different color scheme.

"Wait, Rose, isn't the big man a top tier player?"

"Indeed, if the ranking list in the manual is to be believed, we have our work cut out for us John. Just remember, stick to the plan."

"What Plan?" Kanaya asked.

"You'll see soon enough."

"Alright," Dave continued, "now that everyone has their character, it's time to set the stage!" The game then randomly chose the stage, which turned out to be a pond.

"All the items! All the characters! 1 Life Only! Final Destination: Frog Pond!"

The game screen then changed to the location of the fight, as your characters make their appearance on stage and an unseen commentator in game counts down to the fight.

"3…"

You glance at Rose, who nods at you.

"2…"

You try to remember all the moves that Geromy can do.

"1…"

This is it, you have to act fast as soon as-

"FIGHT!"

You immediately have Geromy move so he's below Vriska's Big Man, and jump and attack up him… just as Sweet Bro's Mom butt pound him, just as Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff slam into him from both sides, just as both the Squirrel and Peaches bit him, and as Vriska's character get catapulted into the air… Sollux's Big Man grabbed Vriska's and slam dunked him into the pond where a Clam suddenly appeared, ate him, and disappeared back beneath the pond's waters.

Everybody stopped at that moment, with Vriska's jaws dropping mere moments before yelling "WHAT THE ACTUAL GOGDAMN FUCK? HOW IS THAT FAIR? You too Egbert? What did I ever do to you? Dammit Kanaya why did you even join in?" Dave had to get help from his goons to forcefully escort Vriska off the stage, as 6 of you execute a beautifully done 3x fist bump combo.

"What, Do I Not Get To Be Part Of The Celebratory Fist Hitting?"

"Oh excuse me, of course you get to be part of this." Rose said, extending her hand as Kanya lightly hit it.

The fight went on after that, with Sollux gaining a massive upper hand. It was all everyone else could do to hang on, despite Sollux seemingly dividing his attention between KO'ing everyone else (other than Aradia) and doing random things like punching repeatedly at nothing which you assume is him trying to see if he can break the game. Then The Big Man got the super finisher power up.

"OH SNAP!" Dave yelled. "THE BIG MAN HASS THE ROCK!"

The Big Man started glowing as he floats in mid air. You and the others try to hit him before he finishes charging up, but Sollux was too fast moving around. At last, The Big Man finished, and summoned 6 basketballs around him. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sollux maniacally laughed as he flung the the first of the basketballs… which turned into a huge beam and hit his first target, Peaches, whose damage score flew up high before he got tossed aside offscreen, kicking Kanaya out of the game.

"Well, I Accomplished What I Set Out To Do. Do Finish Up Fast, I Would Like To Go Home." Kanaya said, as she made her way to Vriska, still fuming, on the side of the stage where the losers are supposed to wait until it's over.

Meanwhile it was all you could do to dodge his attacks. His 2nd one narrowly missed you but struck Sweet Bro, who was lucky that he managed to heal his damage and didn't get tossed too far. The 3rd basketball almost hit Hella Jeff but Sweet Bro managed to pull him out of the blast radius with his long ranged grab move.

"Did you guyth know that I can fire mulhiple thothth ath once?" You hear Sollux say. Oh crap!

"Wait Sollux!" You hear Aradia say.

You desperately move to the side when his 4th shot cut off your escape.

"Sollux my character can't move fast enough-"

Aradia was cut off as Sollux fires his 5th shot as this blast trapped you between energy beams, and Sollux was about to fire his final one to get rid of all four of his enemies at once when you suddenly realized: Aradia was hit by the 5th beam.

Sollux seemed to realize how much he screwed up just as the squirrel was knocked off stage, and he misfired his 6th shot in a random direction. Nobody dared to move as Aradia started shaking before turning towards Sollux- whoa her eyes!

"SOLLUXANDER CAPTOR ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST BLAST ME AGAIN?" Aradia screamed, surprising the hell out of you.

"Solluxander?" You wonder out loud.

"That's Sollux's full name." Terezi answered, as you see everyone staring at awe as Aradia proceeded to unleash a can of verbal whoopass on Sollux. The poor fellow snuck a glance at you and Karkat, mouthing 'trade lives with me'. You both shook your heads vigorously as Aradia forced Sollux to look at her again before dragging him backstage where you can still hear her yelling at him.

Looking back at your screens, you see The Big Man just standing there, his player gone. You then see Sweet Bro's Mom walk up to him, grab him, and throw him offscreen where he is KO'd. You look at Rose incredulously. "What the heck Rose?"

"What? If a player leaves their console and can't react in time, that's their fault. Judge?" Rose asked Dave, still looking backstage.

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, I'll allow it. We're now down to half the fighters! ON WITH THE FIGHT!"

You hastily scramble to move Geromy out of the way as Hella Jeff tried to hit you from the side. Meanwhile high in the air Sweet Bro and his Mom are battling it out for air superiority, though you can't spare more than a glance as Karkat has it out for you. As minutes pass to the crowd's cheers and jeers, you messed up and fell for the Sock Ruse Distaction, which set you up for a free hit from Hella Jeff's stolen car attack.

"SUCK IT EGBERT!"

"HEE HEE HEE HEE!" You hear Terezi's cackle, never a good sign. You risk looking as you dodge the next time Hella Jeff tried to run you over and see Sweet Bro is in the possession of Deudly Firearms. With a single shot, he shot his mom who went down but luckily to solid ground. With the next shot, he knocked you off your feet and launched you in the air, helpless to do anything no matter how you mash the buttons or move the joystick. "Are you next?" Terezi said, pointing at Rose with her Cane. "Are YOU next?" She swung it to point at you. For some reason, her grin froze when she sniffed in your direction, before she focused her attention back to the game.

"HAH! IT'S OUR VICTORY! WE'RE DOING IT TEREZI! WE'RE MAKING THIS HAPPEN!" Karkat shook his fist in your direction, as you resign yourself to your fate. Then something you never expected happened. Terezi aimed at your still airborne body, shot, missed you by an inch, and accidentally hit Karkat instead, launching him into the air as well.

"Oops." Terezi said. Before she can adjust her aim, Rose immediately smacked Sweet Bro and knocked the Deudly Firearms off of him. Not one to let go of an opportunity, Rose followed up by slamming into him and knocking her offscreen. For your part, since you landed on your feet first, this gave you time to have Geromy knock Hella Jeff into the pond.

"NOOOO! YOU COST US OUR VICTORY!" Karkat wailed, while Terezi apologized to Karkat and pomised to… do that thing they never did. What? As Terezi, dragging a ranting Karkat away, passed you by you see her mouthing 'you owe me John.' You mouth a quick 'thank you.', and managed to duck in time as Sweet Bro's Mom almost pushed you into the pond.

"Ladies and gentlemen, were down to our final two contestants! It's time for the final duel!" Dave pumped up the audience, who answered back with a loud roar. Bloodthirsty bunch.

"It's just you and me now John. Are you ready to give up and be my flunky?"

"Not a chance Rose."

"So be it. En guarde!"

Despite your bravado, you're sad to say that your fighting game skills are subpar, clearly evident from the way Rose is pinning you down. She's not even giving you a chance to discover any errors. Oh god it's the most important video game match of your life and you're losing. Your old self would berate you for losing, especially to a girl. You curse Dave and yourself for taking part in this test.

Then as luck would have it, you see it! The finisher power up! Either Rose hasn't seen it, or she doesn't need it. Most likely the latter. If only you could get to it… you'll have to distract her somehow. "Hey Rose, can I ask a question?"

"Put your head in the game John, I'm about to feed you to the mollusks, and I don't mean the Horrorterrors this time."

"Yeah it's about our bet."

"What about?" Geez she's really hounding you, you can't move past her.

"Since our bet was about comparing bugs, what happens if we end this match by beating the other?"

"You mean when I win?" Dammit she's not letting up!

"Yeah either way."

"Why are you so interested in the bet right now anyway? Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the humiliation when Sweet Bro's Mom ass slams you to Oblivion." Oh damn she's breaking through your guard. That's it, it's time to pull out the big guns.

"Well you know…"

"Yes?"

"I was thinking that when I win…" steady now, use your secret weapon when you can make it hurt.

"Do hurry up John, I'm about to-" there! the big windup move!

"I'm going to have you marry me." There. You said it. No turning back now.

"-unleash hell on wait what-" she screwed up on the timing and left her character dazed. As she stared disbelieving at you, you grab the power up and start the charge.

"HAH! This is it Rose! There's no escape from Geromy's wrath!" Well, not exactly. Geromy's finisher calls forth several shittily drawn Giraffes to burst out of the ground randomly. You can target a section where a head will show up, and die to the randomness chances are if she dodged in either direction one of the other heads will hit her and launch her off stage. But what are the odds of that?

Geromy almost finished unleashing hell, but Sweet Bro's Mom still hasn't moved. You glance towards Rose. Why is she staring like that at the screen? Wait. No way. There's no fucking way. You suddenly don't understand anything.

"Are you actually using your Seer of Light powers?" You can't believe she's actually cheating. Why would she cheat?

"I have no idea what you're talking about John. Are you accusing your own girlfriend of cheating to win?"

You don't understand. Cheating means she wants to win by any means necessary. But she hasn't been cheating until now. The only change is you telling her that you're going to make her marry you when you win. Which means…

You feel the sudden urge to get rid of your reasoning and live in blissful ignorance. What happened next is a blur. You remember firing the giraffe heads, Rose dodging all of them perfectly. You remember her launching you skywards, just in time for a Whirlybird to come and disembowel poor Geromy.

PHHPPPBBB

bbthb…

You sank to your knees, clutching the arcade for support as Dave yelled "WINNER OF THE FIGHT AND HALF THE POT-"

"All of it." Rose said, who appeared to be writing something.

"Uh, no sis, you won the fight but you didn't find any glitch. What are you pointing at-oh." Dave's comment made you look up at Rose's screen, announcing the win- oh. It took you a moment, but then you saw that Geromy's bloody remains are still stuck there. Still there when it went back to the player select screen even.

"Yeah that's not supposed to happen. Well let it not be said that I'm not a brogod of my word. ROSE LALONDE HAS JUST BEAT ALL YOUR ASSES AND WON THE FULL POT!"

You let the words wash over you. Rose did it. She found a glitch and she beat you. Doesn't matter. She doesn't want to marry you. Suddenly all your plans don't matter anymore. Maybe you'll just buy a small place somewhere and live by yourself, your only companion being online friends. New ones.

Rose doesn't want to marry you.

You'll probably stop working. But where will you get money? Then again, he can always Ascend and join Aradia and the rest. It's about time you do your share of godly duties. Maintaining the weather on different planets across the universe, keeping the spirit of rebellion up, that sort of thing.

Rose doesn't want to marry you.

Then again, perhaps you'll do something crazy. Something unexpected. Maybe like… be a Private Investigator or Problem Sleuth-

"John? Pardon my interruption of your wallowing in defeat…" Rose put her hand in your shoulder, prompting you to look up. "... but I do believe we have a wager we agreed upon."

Ahh. Right. You wonder if she's going to use her command to make him break up with her. Or maybe to make him clean up around their house before she kicks you out. Or maybe she wants you to hook her up with someone else? Your thoughts went all over the place, including her sacrificing you to her dark eldritch gods when she simply said:

"Do everything written on this piece of paper."

You snap out of it and look at the paper she's holding out to you. You take it, and written on it were 3 simple words: "Ask The Question." You do so.

"Huh?"

Apparently that was not in fact the question she was referring to if the narrowing of her eyes were in response to your question. She clarified "No, John. I was referring to the question that requires you to pull out that thing in your pocket."

You stare dumbfounded at her, before you pull out the velvet box you've been toying with all night, before looking at her again.

"Yes, John, I knew you've had that thing for a while now. You kept playing with your pocket all night. At first I thought you were doing something questionable," Rose's cheeks colored, which you do as well when you realize what she meant, "but the shape is all wrong, and that's when I deduced why you've been acting strangely tonight."

She crouched down, meeting your eyes as your heads are on the same level. "Please John. Ask. For me?" Smiling as she requested.

Well, you're not one to turn down a lady's request. Still half dazed and confused, you assume the pose you've been practicing on and struggle to remember the words.

"Umm… yeah… so like, marry me Rose? Please?" Those are not the words.

You can hear Dave whisper into the microphone "John, what are you doing bro, step it up."

Oh to hell with it, you'll just wing it. "Rose Lalonde, we've known each other since we were kids. From internet acquaintances to best friends to lovers, we've went through a lot, especially… you know?" There was a murmur of agreement from everyone. "We've shared our sorrows, our joys, our boring moments, our everything. You make me the happiest godtier player, but you'll make me even happier. If you would marry me." You open the box and present it to her, and continue on. "In return, I'll promise to always be there for you, to help you through your fester throes, to keep you happy, to make you laugh, and anything you'll need. But, if you're still mad about what I-"

You stopped talking as Rose kissed you deeply, and after releasing you, she took the ring. She smiled as she wore it, then said "Did you really think I would have said no, John? Anyone would be lucky to have you for a husband, and I wouldn't want anyone else for my life partner. So yes John, I'll marry you- oh."

You can't help it, you hug Rose by the waist and swung her around. You're just so happy you laughed out loud. Not long after Rose started laughing too. Through it all you can hear your friends talk amongst each other, but you don't care. This is your moment with Rose, and screw everyone else. Though one thing is definitely bugging you...

"But, I don't understand one thing. If we both wanted the same thing, why did you try so hard to beat me?" You ask, setting her down.

"Not exactly the same John. The reason is twofold. For one thing, what you wanted me to do was marry you no matter what. Traditionally, you were supposed to ask for my permission, not command me to marry you. I know you don't want to marry me just to have me at your beck and call, and that you didn't mean anything by it, but I wanted you to do it properly."

"Oh." Yeesh, now that you think about it, that would have been a rather unfortunate way to be married to the love of your life. Forcing her to marry you? Come on John, think!

"The other reason is that there is an additional stipulation you haven't done yet on the paper."

"Oh, sorry." You grin sheepishly, before looking at the paper again. Just those same 3 words. You glance up at Rose, who motioned 'turn it around' at you. You do so. You read the 6 words written there. You glance up again. She's waggling her eyebrows. You look down again just to make sure before questioning her. "Rose… is this a joke?"

"Yes John. This is one of my famous side splitting jokes that I am well known and beloved for. No, I'm serious. Grimdark serious even."

"Well. I guess it's time for our first fight as a betrothed couple then." you say, throwing the paper away before engaging in a heated conversation with Rose.

As the paper dances through the air, a skilled observer can see the words John and Rose were fighting about: "Wear A Dress At Our Wedding."

And so it was that John spent the rest of his evening trying in vain to convince his fellow players to judge that their Seer of Light cheated in at least one of the games, in the hopes of voiding the bet. Of course, most of them just wanted to see John wear a dress to the wedding, so that might have tainted the judge's decision. Defeated, John was teleported back home sulking with his fiance Rose calming him down. Jade teleported everyone back to where they were as all of them were talking about the newly betrothed couple. Dave collected the comments and suggestions that the others filled… only to find them all of them scribbled over and over with Jade's handwriting saying "I forgive you you dork. See you back home. Jade.". Although if he squints, he can see something along the lines of "Finished… Game". At least, he thinks that's what's written.

Dave smiled. "Dames." Oh well, he'll just consider the test a success and release them as is (minus the exploding one). Now he just has to decide whether to crash Egbert and Lalonde's wedding in a dress as well, or maybe a native outfit from somewhere. Shit, let's be Santa at their wedding. As you round the corner, you can't help but feel like there's something missing from tonight. Something you've been expecting but never appeared. Wondering why you feel teased, you paid no attention to where you are going and missed the next step, causing you to fall forward. Your last thoughts before you tumble down the long flight of stairs were:

"Ahh. Of course. "


	6. Wednesday: Cats and Salamanders

**Of** **Daughters, Viceroys, Alcohol, and Doctors**

Alternate Universe, Blackrom/Pale John x Rose, SFW.

"Casey! Come back to daddy!" You yell, wandering around the hallways.

You had such high hopes when you came to school today. You brought Casey, your pet Salamander, for today's Bring Your Pet to School. You were so sure that you would have the most unique pet in class. But when you walked in the entire class was talking about Terezi bringing a Komodo Dragon to school. Which would be bad enough as it is, but right after the teacher called Aradia, she lost control over her ram (what is up with those pets?) and, well, long story short every single animal is on the loose now.

"Jade keep your devilbeast away from my crow!"

"SAVE CRABDAD! OH AND ERIDAN'S SEAHORSE, AND FEFERI'S OCTOPUS TOO I GUESS. "

"Sollux's bees! My god! Not in the eye!"

You managed to abandon the hub bub in the classroom pretty quickly, but you tripped and dropped the cage you brought Casey in. The yellow traitor ran off at the first sign of freedom. No more in between meal snack for Casey until she learns her lesson.

After going up and down and going what must have been a gazillion hallways, you finally found her! In the arms of a girl no less. As you get closer you realize it's that quiet girl that sits in the back of the class. She kind of creeps you out to be honest. You hope she doesn't have cooties. What was her name… ugh you forget.

"Alright Casey, free time's over now. Time to come back to daddy. Thanks for looking after him." You say opening the cage.

The girl looked at you, then at Casey. She smiled that creepy smile of hers "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. This isn't your salamander Casey, it's mine."

"Nuh-uh, that's Casey!" Why is she lying? "Don't steal someone else's pet!"

"I'll thank you not to accuse me of any wrong-doing, especially since I'm innocent. Isn't that right, Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer." She cooed, rubbing her cheeks against poor confused Casey- wait, she's making her happy noises.

"Come on, give it back!"

"Do you have proof that this is your pet?"

"Uhh…" proof? You're not sure how to prove it. "I have her cage right here."

"That does not prove that you own this particular salamander, it just proves you have something to hold things like Salamanders and such." She narrowed her eyes. "How do I know that you're not a petnapper, bothering innocent children and snatching them away while you try to confuse them with your lies?"

Your head hurts hearing the girl talk. "But you don't even have anywhere to keep Casey in!" That seemed to stump her, as she looked up and slightly to the side. You guess she's thinking? Then she smiled. You hate that smile.

"Why, I have her cage right here!" She pointed down next to her. There is indeed a cage, but…

"That's not a salamander's cage, that's for a dog or a cat. In fact," you crouch down, peering inside, "I can see a cat inside right now!"

"For your information," she she said as she opened the cage, unleashing the creature, "this is Vodka Mutini, Viceroy's lifelong boon companion." Oh Vodka's actually kind of cute. She then moved the hand holding Casey and OH NO SHE'S GOING TO FEED-

Oh. It's just licking Casey. That's… good you guess. But it's time to get serious.

"Put. The Salamander. Back. In the cage." You hissed, glaring at her.

"Very well, if you insist" She then proceeded to put Casey in a cage. Hers. Why couldn't she just put the Salamander back in your cage? You're starting to get angry here, but Dad taught you to ever hit girls. What can you do? You look at her smug face. You look at Casey inside what is clearly a cat's cage. You look at the cat.

Wait, something just occurred to you. It's a long shot, but your dad said a father does everything for their children.

"Come here Dr. Meowgon Spengler!" You call out to the cat.

"What." She said.

You ignore her and continued to call out to the cat. "Come here Doctor! I've got tasty treats for you" that seemed to do the trick, as the cat moved towards you.

"Vodka Mutini you treasonous feline, come back here !" The girl hissed, motioning towards her. Vodka Spengler just looked at the two of you, before just sitting her butt down right in the middle between you.

You and the girl share a quick stare down before you really get into it.

"Come here Meowgon! Who's a good kitty? Come to daddy!"

"Mutini return to mommy! You'll get a free therapy session if you do! I'll brush your fur once we get home!"

You both continue calling out to the cat as it pointedly ignores the both of you, grooming herself. Finally, it stopped grooming and looked at the girl.

"Yes! That's it Vodka Mutini, return to-"

Then Dr. Meowgon Spengler turned around and walked into your welcoming arms. You cradle the cat in your arms triumphantly, grinning at the girl. Geez this cat is kinda heavy!

"Hah! Looks like I've got a new pet! In your face!" You start dancing around in place as the cat mewed happily.

"Mutini...?" She said, in a quiet voice that you almost didn't hear it. You stopped dancing and looked at her. She's shaking. She looks like she's been kicked in the knee. You think she's sniffing- oh geez are those tears in her eyes?

You can't do it. You can't take her pet away from her. Your Dad said not to make girls cry, and if you ever did, make it up to them as quickly as you can. Besides, Vodka Mutini smells kind of weird, and your arms are getting tired.

"Alright alright, you can have Vodka Mutini back." You say, walking over to the girl and setting the cat down near her. The stupid thing adorably brushes itself against your feet, which is so cute but not what you want it to do. You shoo it away, which after a frustrating few seconds in which it just licked its paws and brushed its face, it finally returned to the girl's side, brushing itself against her legs. "Sorry for uh, trying to steal your cat away from you." You lamely say.

As for the girl, she just kept looking back and forth between you and the cat, before finally crouching down to pet Mutini. "I… don't understand why you would just give her back to me."

"Well, you know, it doesn't feel right taking things away from other people." You mutter. You just stood there, awkwardly. You're not sure what to do next. You guess you'll have to tell Dad that Casey found a new home. Just as you turn away to walk back to class though, you feel a tug. You turn around to see the girl, looking down on the ground, holding the back of your shirt and offering you back Casey.

You gently take Casey back, who stopped making happy noises once you took her back. Traitor. You put her back in her cage before facing the girl. "Thanks for returning Casey." Why are you thanking a petnapper? Oh well, it never hurts to be polite.

"I'm sorry." She blurted our, lifting her head but not looking in your direction, rubbing her arm. "I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, but I was under some duress when I came upon your pet salamander. You see, my I was angry at my Mom earlier today, and I unfairly took it out on you." She finally looked at you square in the eye - oh wow they're really purple- and bowed a bit. "I'm sorry."

You smile back. "It's no big deal, we both have our pets back, so no harm done." You gently pat her in the shoulder. You're not really sure what to do next to be honest. Should you ask if she wants to get back to class?

"Rose." She suddenly said.

"Huh?" You're not sure why she said a flower's name. There aren't any roses hee.

"Rose Lalonde." She said, extending her hand with a small smile. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance."

When you finally realized what she meant, you smile back widely and shake her hand. "John Egbert. Nice to finally talk to you Rose."

With your pets in their rightful place, you walk back to your class together, chatting as you go. You might not have the most unique pet, but you made a new friend and you've still got Casey. All in all, today's been pretty great, and it's not even noon yet.


	7. Thursday: Dresses and Tuxedoes

**John and Rose: Converse after the ceremony**

Alternate Universe, Flushed John x Rose, Past Flushed John x Roxy, SFW.

"Rose, I look stupid." John said as he tugged at the hem of his dress trying and failing to make it more comfortable. He looked across the room to where Rose was standing.

"Don't be silly John, I for one think you look rather fetching." Rose said as she turned away from the mirror to look st John.

"Easy for you to say, you look good in anything"

Rose just smiled, then returned to looking in the mirror to check her jet black tuxedo before speaking again. "Besides, as a Master Prankster you really should know better than to take up a bet with me. Especially concerning our wedding getup."

"Darn you and your wily wizardly ways Rose! I still say you cheated somehow."

Rose turned to John again, who is now sitting in a huff on the bed.

"John, if I had cheated, don't you think our panel of neutral judges would have said something?"

"The panel had Dave, Kanaya, AND Roxy! Of course they'd side with you!"

"Don't forget Vriska, Jade, and Jane were there too. So it all balances out. I also find it amusing that you think Dave would break the man code of Bros before Hos, even for his sister. Not to mention Roxy's history with you…" Rose trailed off before shaking her head and returned to her mirror.

John just went "pfft", and examined his wedding dress again. It was a sheer white dress, flowing all the way to his feet and trailed beyond it. He remembered how hard it was to move during the ceremony, he almost tripped thrice, and the third time it made Karkat burst out on a rant that went on for quite some time before Jade and Terezi managed to calm him down.

Still, John thought, it was a beautiful ceremony otherwise. Even Karkat bawled when he and Rose finished their vows, and this time it took Dave as well to calm him down. And, John, had to admit, Rose pulled off the tuxedo look.

"Alright I'm ready"

John snapped back to reality at his new bride's voice, and his mind went into hyper panic mode ohgodthisitohmanwaithowdoihavesexagain-

"John, stop having an internal meltdown. It's going to be alright."

Wow, how does she do it? Can she read minds?

"No John, I don't read minds, it was obvious from looking at your face."

Rose sat down next to John, held his hand, and rubbed it soothingly. After a few moments, John could feel all the tension melting away.

"Yeah, thanks Rose. Sorry, it's just, our first night as a married couple you know? I just wanted it to be right."

"Of course John. Just do it like we always did. Now, close your eyes…"

Rose cupped John's face between her hands and made him look at her, and John closed his eyes and assumed smooching positions…

Which made him completely unprepared for what actually happened as he felt a rush of movement all over his body, ending with him landing on his back on the bed.

"Bwuh?"

"You can open your eyes now."

John obediently did so, and just saw the ceiling. Confused, he sat up, and noticed what was different.

"Whoa, why am I wearing a tuxedo?"

The tuxedo he was wearing was blue, and had the mark of the Breath Aspect symbol on the bow tie he was wearing. It looked remarkably similar to what he planned on wearing had he won.

"It's a little trick I practiced for just the occasion. With a little Strider help."

Poor Guinea Pig Dave.. ehh screw him. John turned to Rose, and was for a moment at a loss for words.

Rose was now wearing an orange wedding dress, with a transparent Veil and the Light Aspect symbol on her chest. Which was showing rather ample cleavage at the moment. Hoo boy is it hot in here or is it just you-ME I MEAN ME.

"Well? How do I look?"

Open your words and say something John! Answer faster!

"Uhh"

Okay, now answer BETTER!

"You're beautiful Rose, but I'm kind of confused? What's going on here?."

"Well John, even though I truly do believe that you in a stunning white dress is quite a sight…"

Rose leaned in close, held John's sides, and slowly pulled the both of you so you're on your sides on the bed.

"I really wanted to see you in a hot tuxedo before I tear it off you."

As Rose leaned in to seal the deal, and with John's Prankster's Gambit at an all time low, he can't help but think he's the luckiest man in all of Paradox Space to be marrying this woman.


	8. Friday: Domestic Life and LDR

**13,560 km**

Alternate Universe, Flushed John x Rose, SFW

"John, have you been eating well? Have you taken your medication? How are you feeling? "

"Rose, stop worrying, I'm fine." You say, suppressing a sneeze. Obviously you're not fine, but no reason to worry her. Besides, it's not like she can do anything with her being all the way on the other side of the world.

"Strictly speaking you are not fine. Doctor's orders said you still need 1 more day of complete bed rest. Besides, I heard you trying to suppress your sneeze." Drat.

"Fine, to answer your questions, yes I've been eating all the food you've ordered me and what you suggested, I drank all my medicines like the doctor ordered, and I'm fine. Really."

"That's good. I'm sorry I've been busy John. I should be there earlier helping you recover."

Earlier? "It's alright, I know this is important for the both of us."

"I know, and I'm grateful. Oh, that reminds me, a package I ordered should be arriving today, so don't be surprised if there's someone coming by to drop it."

"Alright, Tavros can bring it in. Anything else?"

"That's all. Oh, and John?"

"Yes Rose?"

"I love you. Now get some rest."

"Will do. Love you too." She ended the call, so you drop your phone on the nightstand and close your eyes, trying to follow her request.

Here you are, on bed rest due to a fever that just won't go away, while your wife is in a completely different country. Practically on the other side of the planet really. Where was it? Malaysia? Indonesia? You can't remember.

You're starting to regret pushing her to take that book signing tour. She was hesitant, because that would mean you'd have to be separated for quite some time, since she'll be going on a world trip. You had a fight that ended with her begrudgingly going off to promote her latest book, and you feeling like such a heel. And sick, don't forget the sickness.

Fortunately you made up the next day over the phone, but you miss having her here. Especially now that you're sick. When she found out she went into full mom mode, calling up your doctor, making sure the neighbors check in on you every once in awhile , and even made sure food and groceries are delivered to you. She means well, and you appreciate what she's done… but mostly you just miss having someone there with you on the same bed.

Sometimes when you feel so hot that everything is starting to spin, you start wishing that she'd make a crazy romantic gesture like in the movies and drop everything to take care of you 24/7. But, real life doesn't work like it does in the movies, as you've sadly learned the hard way. If she does the irresponsible thing and just come back home immediately, you just know her publishers would have their lawyers ready to sue her or something. Wait, maybe you're getting things mixed up with one of your movies.

You hear the door open. Probably Tavros bringing in the package. You turn over to try to get to sleep. But then you bolt upright, dizzying yourself, as you remembered that he had something to do. LARPing at the next state over or something. You unsteadily get to your feet, panicking. There's an intruder in the house! From the sound of it, they're making their way here!

You rummage through your closet and pulled out the first thing that feels comfortable to swing. You quickly stand next to the door, just in time for it to swing open. You raise your weapon and was about to swing it down when you sneeze repeatedly, dropping your weapon and causing you to fall to your knees. Huh, for a stranger breaking in they sure are wearing familiar shoes.

"John, if your plan was to murder me, I can think of at least 10 reasons why your current method is a horrible idea." Rose, your Rose, said. You just stared at her in disbelief as she helped you up and dragged you back to bed.

"Ha ha. I thought there was a burglar or something." You say, dropping to the bed. Ooh, that's comfy.

"So instead of doing the sensible thing such as calling 911, you decided to confront them with a hammer? When did we even have a foam Warhammer?" She asked, tucking you in. So warm.

"Cut me some slack Rose, I'm sick. As for the hammer, it was a birthday gift remember? Tavros gave it to me."

"Ah. Right." You enjoy the toasty feeling of being in your bed before Rose coughed and continued. "Is there anything you wanted to ask me John?"

"Oh, yeah. What are you doing here Rose?

"Well, we had the misfortune to set the day wrong for my book signing event in Indonesia. My publishers and the bookstore are working it out, but the quickest is by next week. Since we had a few days to kill, I took the first flight home so I can take care of you. I also wanted to surprise you, though I dare say I was the more surprised one." She rubbed her temples as she finished her story. You have no idea what you did to deserve this woman, but you're thankful all the same.

She left you in the bed as headed back out to cook you something. As you wait for whatever it is she's cooking, you hear her yell out "John, where do we keep the knife?"

"That's odd," you say loudly, "it should be right there next to the fridge. Like always."

"Here it is. Thank you."

Soon Rose came in carrying a bowl of porridge, which she helpfully fed you. Ahh, this is the life John. After you finished your bowl, Rose got ready for bed. "It's still 6 o'clock Rose."

"I know, but I've still got some jet lag. You don't mind if I catch some z's do you?"

"Not at all." You scooch over to make room for her. Grateful she took her rightful place beside you and soon closed her eyes

Poor girl. You snuggle up next to her, cuddle, and drift off to blissful sleep.

You woke up muttering "Die Zazzerpan- wait, where am I?" Rubbing your eyes, you look around and noticed John next to you, his hand on your shoulders. That must have been why you felt a shaking sensation as you woke up.

"Rose? We're here. Come on, I'll help you with your bags."

Bags? Then you realized when and where you are. You're in the drop off zone of the airport, after spending a few lovely days taking care of your sick husband. But now is the time to get back to work, there are fans to meet, books to sign, and money to be had.

Yawning, you step out of the car and gratefully take the bags John handed to you. You're still a bit sleepy, but those books aren't signing themselves. As you head off through the gates you notice John calling someone on the cell. You wave to him, which he feverishly returned. Giggling, you go inside, ready to return to Indonesia.

Truth be told, taking care of him until he's better was just half the reason you came back early. You missed him. You've been traveling all over the world, taking in everything. You wish he was there with you every step of the way though. Sometimes you wish that life were more like your dramatic fictions where John will just cast aside his job as a meteorologist, damn the consequences, and accompany you to exotic places.

But real life isn't like that. He's got obligations, and until both of you are more financially stable, his dreams of being a professional magician/comedian will have to wait. Until then, there's bills to pay. After checking in all your luggage, you've got time to spare. You open up your word processor and continue writing the draft to your next book. It's… not going well lately.

For some reason you just can't focus. At first you thought this was due to you feeling guilty about leaving a sick John alone back home. You thought that coming back and taking care of him would ease your conscious but if anything, it's getting worse. Frustrated, you close your word processor with a huff, and just waited for your plane. A good long nap sounds good now.

You step out of the taxi you took from the airport and enter the mall. According to your latest email, the book signing would be held in the bookstore here. You pay the driver, though it took you sometime to find the right bills from your bag. Ugh, you need a drink, and the way that driver drove you here left your stomach turning. To top it off, you can't get a good long nap on the plane. You just can't get comfortable and kept waking up every few hours. Your head is killing you right now, and you hope that you can get some rest before you-

For some reason the world is turning sideways…

You can hear murmurings shortly before you open your eyes into a world of light. You stare blankly at the unfamiliar ceiling, as you recognize a familiar voice talking nearby. The voice stopped, followed by some light footsteps before the frowning face of your husband entered your vision.

"Hey Rose. How are you feeling?"

"Awful, but better now that I can see your face." You look around, groaning as you turn your head. You're in what appears to be a hospital emergency room. "I'm not sure what happened to me.

"Oh well as I heard it, you collapsed in the mall suddenly, so they rushed you to the nearest hospital. Don't worry though, it's nothing really serious, you've just got some fever. They're worried that you had a concussion when you fell, but they saw no signs of it. As soon as you're feeling better you're free to go!"

"That is good news indeed. But satisfy my curiosity John, why are you here?"

"Oh right. Well, ever since you came back to the states, I've noticed that you're having trouble remembering things and you keep rubbing your temples. Then I remembered you coughing on the phone, you being sleepy all the time, and whenever I see you typing you never really wrote much. I got worried so after I dropped you off I called up my boss and asked for a long leave. He didn't really want me to just suddenly get up and leave, but he finally agreed with me. Then I just found the next flight to Indonesia and well here I am!"

It's moments like these that make you truly appreciate your husband. John is frequently underestimated by others, dismissing him as a foolish doormat due to his cheery and easygoing nature. But you know first hand that he's one of the most insightful and clever people you know, and when it comes time to do what he believes to be right, he'll stand his ground. All while being friendly to everyone. It's one of the reasons you love with him.

"I'm sorry that you had to go all the way to Indonesia." You say.

"Pfft, it's no big deal." He dismissed, before putting a cool towel in your forehead. Oh that feels nice. "Anyway, imagine my surprise when I got to the bookstore, and they said you you fainted and had to be taken to the hospital!"

"Sorry you had to hear that."

"Yeah, well, I sort of panicked, but the staff helped direct me to where you're being treated, and here I am. Ready to take care of my wife. Just say the word and I'll do it. Or get it. Whatever you need."

"My hero." You smile. You have no idea what you did to deserve this man, but you're thankful all the same. "I'm fine for now John, you should get settled into your hotel."

"Pfft, I'm fine. Just give me a chair to sit in, and I'm here for you until they can discharge you." You notice that he's not quite looking you in the eye.

"John."

"... yes Rose?"

"You forgot to book a place to stay didn't you." It wasn't a question.

"... yeah." He admitted, smiling sheepishly in the hopes of melting your heart. It's working, even as you can't help but marvel how such a paradoxical combination of goofball and wit can possibly exist.

Then again, you're the one that tried to cheer him up just a few days ago with a one woman re-enactment of The-Fanfic-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, complete with Wizard Robes and Wizard Hats and Wizard Wands. And 'goffic' apparel of course. Life is weird like that.

"It's alright John, you can stay here. You can stay with me in my room."

As you two discuss all the plans of where you're going while you're here, you slyly move your hands to grasp his. Considering his hand was open and it closed right after touching yours, he was thinking of the same thing. You feel better already.


	9. Saturday: Crossovers and AUs

**Rose: Do The Light Thing**

Canon and Alternate Universe. Lots of Alternate Universes. Flushed and Pale and Black John x Rose, SFW.

Your name is Rose Lalonde. You are a human 20 year old Seer of Light, and a woman who is happy with her lot in life. You are married to the love of your life, one Kanaya Maryam, the Troll Rainbow Drinker Maid of Space and Caretaker of the Mother Grub. Said wife is currently taking care of the Mother Grub back home and awaiting the arrival of Jade to pick up a package as you have solo business elsewhere.

You are not quite sure why, but lately your Seer Powers have revealed that you need to be at a certain location and you must not bring anyone with you. It is quite vexing, as you usually know why your Seer Powers would lead you down a path. Not that you'd listen to it much nowadays. You'd much rather give up your Seer of Light abilities and any reminder of that godawful game behind you and live in the now, with your wife, a collection of good books, some writing implements, and a comfortable bed. Also, some wine (discreetly hidden away where no pesky significant other can confiscate).

Anyway, you can vaguely sense that it's very important, but the lack of details frustrates you all the same. Especially since the more you ignore the feeling the more it presses on your mind. It was a splitting headache one morning that finally roused you from your happily ever after and somehow managed to convince Kanaya that you had to go do this alone.

Still, you've prepared for this. You spent a few hours each day to, as Strider would say, not be a grumpy old retired war veteran that gets too comfy in his ass couch to blow up a few more enemies and their helpless mooks and accidentally blow themselves up. By sheer coincidence, you actually did almost blast yourself when you tried using your wands and Light powers again. You will take that secret to your grave however.

Regardless, whatever is awaiting you at your destination, you are ready to face it alone. But just in case, you have Jade on speed dial in case things go south fast. You soar lower from the sky, clear the trees, and land in the opening between the trees. All things considered, it's quite a peaceful place. It could be a pretty good place to get away from it all and get some much needed privacy to finish up one of your writing projects. As you wait for whatever it is you are waiting for, you take note that you're somewhere in the human Kingdom, and if memory serves, it's not that far from-

Suddenly you feel yourself being pushed by a gust of wind, and you brace yourself. Looking towards the source, you vaguely see what appears to be a shining gap between the trees… no, space. As wind continues to pour out of the gap, you can hear a high pitched noise as well as a vague silhouette coming from it.

You draw your wands from your Strife Specibus, ready for whatever curveball Skaia wants you to face on your own. As you get ready to blast the intruder, you can't help but feel the sound sounds increasingly familiar and the formless blob starts taking a humanoid shape…

With a cry of "-aaaaAAAAHHHHHH!!!", a figure barreled out of the Tear in Space, and straight into the trees. Steadying yourself from the lack of wind now, you can see the Tear has closed up. Turning in the other direction, you cautiously approach the groaning figure of-

"John?" You ask as you stand over the curled up body of your friend in his godtier outfit, still groaning. "What are you doing out here?"

Instantly the figure stood up, facing away from you, and you know something's wrong. You haven't met John in a while, but he seemed bigger than the last time you saw him. You're also pretty damn certain he wasn't transparent. Well, most of him is see-through anyway, for some reason his right arm is solid. He turns towards you, allowing you to see a rather ridiculous mustache on his face (and yet, it fits him) before catching you in the biggest hug you ever had in your life and starts peppering you with kisses.

what

WHAT?

You struggle against his immovable arms (curse his Mangrit!), as you feel a weird sensation on your back. Meanwhile, Not John says "Rose!" Over and over again, as he kisses you all over the face, except for… oh hell he's looking right at your lips now. Better break the news fast.

"JohnIAmNotYourRose."

"What?" He laughs, as he stops puckering up and stares at you with a grin. "Yes you are! You're still only this high," your eyes twitch but you let him continue, "you've still got the prettiest eyes this side of the universe, and hair that I sometimes blow with my windy powers without you knowing. Oh, is this one of your attempts at a joke Rose? Hahaha. You're getting better!" Dammit, you're going to have to turn that frown right side up.

"John, put me down for a moment and look at me."

Not John obediently did as you ask and gave you a quick look. Then he gave you a long hard stare that frankly was starting to embarrass you a little. Damn his blue eyes! Then he pointed at your hand and said, "Rose… why aren't you wearing our betrothal ring? Is that a wedding ring?"

"Because, John, I am A Rose Lalonde, but not your Rose. I am married to Kanaya." Betrothed? Interesting. You have no idea what possible permutation of events lead to this particular outcome from one of your sessions, but all things considered, you could do a lot worse as you look up this alternate John up and- okay shouldn't have had that quick sip before you left this morning. Alcohol is clouding your judgement and making you think things you shouldn't think.

"What." Not John said flatly. Then he looked around. Then looked all over again before turning his attention back to you. "... by any chance are we in the garden part of a spaceship?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to but no. This is the planet where my friends and I live." You slowly approach this alternate John. He seems to be… if not exactly harmless, at least docile enough. "Why don't you sit down over there on the log, and tell me how you got here."

"I… I'm not… sure." He began, as you lead him towards the your chosen seating area. "I… remember something urgent. We were in a spaceship. I remember a hand." You note that Not John is unconsciously rubbing his neck and touching his chest. "Big hand." Not John looked at his left hand, and straightened his hand and slowly extended his left arm forward. After examining his transparent arm, he looked down at his transparent body, before slowly turning towards you, his smile gone.

"Rose, I think… I think I'm dead."

You let out the breathe that you didn't realize you were holding. Alright, so now that he knows he's dead, best to lighten the mood until… well until this is over. "You're taking it rather well, all things considered. But yes, I surmised as much. Do you remember how it happened?"

"I remember getting choked and stabbed." Not John said as he patted his chest. "Just pushed his hand through my chest like it was a sword or something. Man, I knew a Lord was powerful, but not THAT powerful."

Interesting, this John apparently died to Lord English. While your curiosity is dying to know how that came about, you decide to comfort him before he fades completely away. "John, while it is regrettable that your life was cut short, there is no shame in standing up to a monster." You say as you pat him on the back. Good, at least you can still touch him.

"Oh god, I don't think I even said goodbye to you- well, not you, my you. My Rose I mean." He says as he stares at you pitifully. Oh dear, that look is triggering your motherly instincts again.

"I'm sorry that you couldn't say goodbye to her John." You say as you scooch closer to him. "For what it's worth, I'm sure your Rose knows you love her." For an instant, you imagined what you would do had Kanaya died in front of you. Probably charge right in with no plan whatsoever and probably get stabbed or whatever. Better not tell him that.

"I just hope everyone's okay without me," he said quietly, looking more down than before, "this was our final chance."

"I'm sure they will be John." You lie, as you continue to look at his mostly transparent body. "It's you I'm worried about."

"Oh, right, the dead thing. I guess I'm going to fade away soon huh." He turns towards you. "I'm just thankful I could see your face again before it's over. Well, not your face. I mean a face just like my Rose. I guess that's why I'm here, as I was stabbed I just wished I could see her again."

"It's alright John, I know what you mean. So let's just wait it out until you… well… you know."

"Yeah."

You both stop talking as you stare at nothing, enjoying the forest sounds. Was this it? You were led here to comfort a Doomed Timeline John? You were expecting a fight against… oh… say… Jack Noir or something. But you wouldn't say that comforting an alternate version of your Friend was a waste of time.

… that got you thinking about your John. How it's been awhile since you last saw him. Heck, it's been awhile you Snapchat with him. Maybe you should chat-

"Thanks Rose."

You snap out of your thoughts. "For what?"

"For keeping me company. I'm not your John, and we're not lovers, but even if we're just acquaintances here, I'm still the luckiest guy in the multiverse." He smiled at you, unaware of the pang of guilt you feel at his words. That's it, you're definitely chatting your John after you're done here.

"Well, even if you are just a Doomed Timeline version of my friend who is out of his Dream Bubble, it's still the least that I could do." You say, looking away for a moment before looking back. Why is he looking at you like you just grew tentacles out of your head?

"Rose, are you going grimdark again or something?"

You frown, and tersely said "No I'm done with that business. Besides, I'm not talking in tongues anymore."

"Well, because I'm not sure I understood what you just said. Doomed Timeline? Dream Bubble?"

You're definitely confused now. Does this John not know about those things? "Yes, Doomed Timeline and Dream Bubbles. Dream Bubbles are where your ghost is supposed to end up once you die a final death, and Doomed Timeline means since obviously you're not my John, so you probably came from a different timeline where you fought Lord English and lost."

He's still staring, but now he's frowning. "No… the Dead Zone is where our souls go when we're dead. Also, there's more than different timelines? And also, we didn't lose to the Dark Lord English. We beat him."

Now you're the one confused. "I'm sorry, you BEAT Caliborn, the Cherubim Lord of Time?"

"No, we beat Caliborn the Human Lich Dark Lord. And he wasn't the Lord of Time, he was the Prince of Time."

"Wait, wait, wait, I thought you said you died to a Lord?"

"Well yeah, to Lord Paradox, the Lord of Space."

You feel the blood chill in your veins. There's more than one of them. You're having trouble breathing. You feel a hand rubbing your back before you hear a voice saying "Hey, Rose, what's wrong, are you ok?"

You turn to look at him, his left arm moving back and forth, and now that you notice, his eyes still have their pupils even after realizing he's dead. "Yes I'm fine thank you." Here you are, getting comforted by a ghost from… Well you don't know where now. "I don't understand John, how did our timelines diverge so much?"

"You tell me. This is the first I've heard of timelines. I just assumed you were a Rose from a different Genesis Frog."

"Different..? OH!" You say, louder than you intended and surprising this John. "You're from a completely different multiverse!!"

"Well yeah, that's what I assumed you were."

Intriguing, that means in different Genesis Frogs, there can be instances of you with a completely different background. Which reminds you of something. "John, if you don't mind me asking, have you ever lived on a planet called Earth before?"

"No, I've lived in Skaia all my life. I live- well lived in the kingdom of Crockerland. I'm the next king."

Fascinating. "If you don't mind my asking, what was I in your universe?"

"You were a Seer from the house of Lalonde, and you- well, she is my fiancé." He says, showing off his ring. "But now I'm curious, what are we in this universe?"

You pause. What are you? Before all this mess began you would have said friend in a heartbeat, but these past few years…

No. You're still friends. You'll prove it.

"Friends. We're nothing special like you or her, just normal kids living in the United States before the SBURB game started."

"SBURB… oh! Just like the SRITE ritual we had back home." He said, before frowning again. "Geez Skaia is everywhere."

"Tell me about it," you mutter, idly kicking your feet, "just when I thought it was over it turns out there's another Lord out there."

"Yeah, Lord Paradox is a jerk. Now you're telling me there's a Lord of Time too? Eesh. My Lord's been invading Genesis Frogs all over, all in the name of his shitty 'art' masterpiece." John says as he makes a silly face while air quoting art. You can't help but smile at his antics. Even if he's from a different universe, there's still shades of John in there. "Why can't he just take up painting instead of going around stabbing people and scattering them across the multiverse?"

Wait, what was that last bit? "Scatter across the multiverse?"

"Yeah, when he stabbed me, he said something like 'I will tear your very existence across the multiverse, and nothing shall remain of you in this one.' before lights flashed before my eyes and I woke up here. Dead, and fading away."

"Well, not completely fading away."

"Huh?"

"Your right arm is still solid for some reason."

This John stared down at his right arm, before he suddenly stood up and shouted "OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THIS!"

"You… forgot about your right arm?"

"No, Rose, see, I touched Lord Paradox's sacred treasure! Why are you giving me that look- oh, NO NOT THAT TREASURE! Anyway, long story short, touching it with my right hand gave me the ability to teleport any distance, and it gave me the power to jump between different Genesis Frogs! Or Lilypads. I don't know, Vriska was debating about it with Kanaya when I just touched it."

You massage your temples as this John rambled on. This is so familiar it hurts. "So… are you saying you can return home?"

"Yeah! All I need to do is this!" Not John said as his arm suddenly disappeared, seemingly into thin air. The end point where his arm disappeared is covered by a weird light, much like the tear you saw him appear from. "Rose, thank you for keeping me company, but I've got to return to my friends. Bye!" With that, John moved forward and disappeared in a flash of light.

Well.

That's that, you guess.

You sit around awkwardly for a few moments, wondering whether you can go about your business now. Perhaps your powers led you here so you can learn about the Lord of Paradox Space, and prepare for the worst. Just as you stand up to leave, another flash of light appeared and Not John returned, looking rather sheepish.

"Did you forget something?"

"Umm… no…" Not John said, as he scratched the back of his head and shifted awkwardly in place. "It's just… I thought my Genesis Frog was the next Lilypad over." He looked back in the direction he appeared from, then turned back to you. "Did you know this Genesis Frog is surrounded by nothing but dead ones?"

"I seem to recall that in our session there were at least two dead ones. Are you saying you're lost?"

"Yeah… it looks that way." Not John looked back at his body, patting it experimentally. "I think Lord Paradox really did do what he threatened me with."

"Spread you across the multiverse? Interesting. I think that would explain why you're transparent."

"How do you mean?"

"This is just a guess, but I think due to a combination of your Godtier powers as an Heir of Breath," you glance at John, who nodded to confirm that he is, "and your space jumping power allowed you to stay conscious despite being spread all over space."

"Huh, I guess that kinda makes sense." Not John said, glancing at his left arm again. "So I guess I need to… jump across every Genesis Frog until I meet up with my other split parts?"

"That seems inadvisable. For one thing, you have no idea how many of you were made when Lord Paradox split you apart. Second, even after you find all of, well, you, I'm not sure if you can combine again, and I'm not sure how long you can last as you currently are, and your other yous will probably be jumping all over the multiverse as well. Lastly, let's say you managed to become one again… how will you return home? Can you tell when you've arrived at your Genesis Frog?"

"Oh. Uhh. Well… well I've got to do something Rose! I can't just sit around here and do nothing! Rose and my friends are waiting for me! Oh god they're still fighting Lord Paradox, I've got get back to them NOW!"

"John, calm down," you start, as you reach for his right arm to rub it and soothe him. What happened instead was you suddenly feeling fatigued like you just went on a marathon, or one of Dave and Terezi's crazy training sessions.

"Oh geez, Rose sorry!" Not John said as he immediately distanced himself from you. You feel much better. "Sorry, I forgot to mention, touching the treasure also gave me a side effect of draining someone's Skaian powers. I don't know what's happening though, it wasn't supposed to drain without me doing it."

"What the hell kind of treasure is- why are you glowing?" Not John is glowing now, and he fell to his knees clutching his head.

"Uugghh, words… somebody's trying to communicate with me." You carefully position yourself so you can hold John without touching his right arm. "Coming… together… need destination? Images… so many of me… so many of you- oh hey neat one of you has tentacles for legs. Another has a beard? Ow, they really insist on a destination."

Destination? You look at Not John, still grimacing and rubbing his head. You assist and give him a massage as you let your mind wonder… you look at his right arm again.

You finally understand why you're here.

"John, I think this is going to hurt both of us, but trust me." You say as you reach for his right hand and grasp it tight. Images and words flood your mind, as you see multiple versions of yourself and John. John looks the same as the one you're holding, but your alternate selves… most of them look somewhat like you at various ages, though some are of different body types and even race. You're pretty sure you saw a few animal yous and a few you're not sure what you're looking at. An energy based life form? All the while, words such as WHERE, DESTINATION, FIND IT keep ringing inside your head.

Focus, you berate yourself. You let your Seer of Light flow to you, as you the images fly by and the words drown themselves out. Focus, find the best location for them to gather- THERE!

You found it. You quickly zoom in, at first it looked like a giant pond. Zoom in, a group of Genesis Frogs sitting on lily pads. Zoom, a Genesis Frog that was previously hidden by Void powers. Zoom, into the eye and into a Universe. Zoom further, into a galaxy, into a solar system, past it and onto a spaceship. Zoom even further, into a particular part of it, the bridge you think. One final zoom, and you see her… this John's Rose. She's flat on the ground, her godtier Seer of Lights stained by blood here and there, and you can see wounds all over her. But her eyes are open, and looking with a blaze in her eyes towards… you risk a glance before returning to focus on Rose. Something big and tall turned to look towards you when you tried to look at whatever this Rose was looking at.

"John, I found it." You tap Not John's shoulder. "The destination. Focus on my mind, can you see her?"

"Yeah, I see her! I see her Rose!"

"Good, just keep her image in your mind, and focus on returning to her side. Can you do that?"

"Yes!"

"Excellent. Goodbye John of Crockerland, it's been… confusing, but good luck."

"Thank you Rose of… umm… Earth!" He turns his head towards you, and to your embarrassment you can see tears in his blue eyes. Oh dear, you're still no good with these public displays of affection. "I don't know how to repay you! No wait, find your John and make him do something to make you happy."

"I- John my version of you and I haven't been exactly been on friendly terms." You blurt out. Dammit, why did you say that?

"What?" He turns to you, his hands dropping to the side. "Was it me? Did I do something stupid? Did I say something wrong? Did I prank you after you asked me to stop?"

"We just… sort of… drifted apart." You finished lamely.

Not John stared at you for a few seconds before standing up, set his left arm on your shoulder, and stared directly into your eyes. You curse your easily swooned self as you feel your cheeks heating up.

"Rose, if this John is anything like myself, please don't leave him alone." He said in a serious tone. "Please don't give up on me. I know I'm asking a lot from someone I just met, and you just did me the biggest favor a stranger ever gave me, but please don't give up on our friendship."

You look into his eyes. It's like you can feel him trying to transfer some of his determination into you. "Of course John." You smile at him. "I won't give up a friend, much less my friendleader."

"Heh, looks like we have something in common after all." He smiled back. Then he moved away and looked away, waving his arm around. As you look on, you see that the arm seems to glow more in a certain direction. It seems that's the way home. "Alright Rose, this is goodbye for real. Thank you for everything you've done, I have no idea how to repay you."

"Don't worry John, you've already repaid the favor."

"I did? How?"

"You reminded me of what I almost lost."

He looked confused for a second, before realization dawned on him and he flashed that goofy grin that always fit John Egbert. Even if this one has a mustache. "Glad I could help. Don't worry about Lord Paradox, me and my friends will take care of it. I'm coming ROOoossee…"

With that final cry, Not John disappeared. You realize you've been waving your arm all this time, and lower it. You wait a bit just in case there's something else, but the feeling you've had has disappeared. Your task is finally complete. Unless you're mistaken and missed something else, you just received a reminder to rekindle your friendship with one of your oldest and dearest friends, and perhaps saved all of Paradox Space from a jerkass Lord. Again. Not bad for a day's work that basically amounted to a therapy session. Speaking of the day...

You glance at your phone's clock. Good, there's still time. You levitate from the ground, and fly towards your new destination. Your fatigue has disappeared, with a new sense of determination replacing it.

"Don't worry John." you say, as the countryside zooms past you. "I won't miss your Birthday."

Along the way, you wonder where you can get some fake tentacles and beards.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and you're off to reconnect with an old friend of yours.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, Lord of Space, and you just had a weird occurrence. Just now, what seemed to be an adult alternate universe version of Jhon- sorry, John Egbert, suddenly appeared in front of you. He's so much like your old John it kind of hurts to talk to him. He seemed to have an adverse reaction when you revealed that you were a Lord of Space, though he calmed down soon enough. Strange arm, it even managed to drain some of your powers. For what it's worth, you're glad that you could be of help, using your space powers to connect all of the John's together. You were amused to learn that there were versions of yourself that were Seers of Mind and Light, if the voices and visions in your head were any indication. But now that the distraction is gone, it's time to get back to business.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and you have a corruption to take care of.

Your name is Rose Joestar, and you thought one John Egbert suddenly appearing in your life was strange. Just now, a second one appeared, though this one seems to be older. Just as suddenly as he appeared, he disappeared, but not before you had sometime to talk. He seemed amused that he's not the first intruder to this universe, much less being a second alternate universe John. He was confused as to why you're on a quest to kill Jade Harley, but in the end he accepted that alternate universe shenanigans are afoot and circumstances vary wildly. He was particularly interested in Stands, and much like his counterpart, was very disappointed that it's very unlikely that he'll develop one.

As for yourself, you find yourself fascinated as he regaled you of his tale of Skaia and the adventures he had when he was alive. Which it turns out he still was. Honestly you're a bit confused towards the end, but he seemed happy when he said his farewells before disappearing. You are concerned that this John also displayed an almost… eager disposition towards sacrificing himself and proving his worth. Do all Johns have this much need to show their value?

Oh, speak of the devil, here comes your John.

"Hey Rose! I just finished flying over the city and boy are my arms tired!"

"Ha. Ha." You roll your eyes at his joke. "So how did it go?"

"Nothing. I didn't see any signs of a Stand User. Nobody tried to attack me or anything."

"John, your suicidal tendencies truly worries me. It even transcends universes."

"Roooooooose me volunteering to scout out enemies because I'm effectively immortal is not suicidal! And what do you mean transcends universe? Is it because I came from the alpha timeline?"

"Oh it's nothing. So, we've still got time until our meetup with Eridan and the others, why don't we walk around and see if there's anything interesting around here?"

"Wait, really?" John stopped floating around in front of you to turn towards you. "No going straight to Egypt to get this over with?"

"It's not as if sitting around waiting for our comrades to return will be a much better use of our time. This way at least we can see if you missed somebody flying around up there, not to mention some quality time between us."

"Oh ok, sure. Oh hey, we've got to check out this one place I saw! It really looks interesting!" You follow John as he continued to describe your destination (very animatedly) and guide you there.

Your name is Rose Joestar, and while you're still on a quest to save your mother, it wouldn't hurt to spend some time with your friend while you wait for the others to get back.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, heir and ward to Lord English, but secretly waiting for the right moment to take him and this sick Program of pitting students against students down. You've come to expect many things since that godawful 'game', betrayal from everyone, threats and attacks in any location, and cruel and unusual methods of 'training' from your benefactor.

What you weren't expecting was the sudden appearance of your dead best friend, John Egbert. For all of your infamy for being cool, calm, and collected at all times, you'd be the first to admit that you lost it when he tried to hug you. You remember screaming into his face "YOU'RE NOT JOHN!" and "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU LOOK LIKE HIM!", and even tried to kill him. When he kept disappearing and reappearing no matter how you tried to hit him, you basically broke down right there and cried. Not your proudest moment to be sure.

After calming you down, you found out that he was an alternate universe version of your John. You soon got to talking (after making sure that you were alone and that no one was listening in), and you were soon lost in his tales of adventuring in the land of Skaia. You can't help but imagine yourself taking part in it in place of his Rose. Though you were amused to learn that you and him were more than friends there.

You were reluctant to share your story, but dammit, John always knew how to get you to open up. You could visibly see him getting more and more crestfallen as you continued your story, as your friends died one by one in this student battle royale massacre. When you got to the end where your John sacrificed himself so that you could live and show that he stayed himself despite the hell that was that place, and that you and Roxy were secretly trying to overthrow Lord English, he once again gave you a hug. This time, you accepted it.

After giving you a short speech that went along the lines of "never give up Rose!" And "you're stronger than you think you are!" And even "Lord English is no match for your awesome eyepatch" (that got you smirking, a very rare occurrence), his arm suddenly started glowing. He quickly said farewell, thanking you for keeping him company, and vanished from sight, as if he were nothing but a very weird daydream. For a moment you thought it was just a hallucination, brought on by too much stress from your duplicitous life.

But no, you decide it was real. Somewhere out there, there is a world where you and your friends are alive and well, where this cruel game doesn't exist. And dammit, you're going to make it happen here. It might take you a long time, and Lord English is a very formidable foe, but you're going to see it through to the end.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and you close your eye and let yourself remember a time when you and your friends were happy. When you open your eye, your determination to kill Lord English and shut down the Program has never been stronger. This will be a world where any Rose, John, Dave, and Jade will be glad to visit.

All of your names are Rose Lalonde. Or, it might be a derivative of it, or it might not be your name at all. You might not look the same, you may not live in the same Genesis Frog, you might not even be the same species. You might be a player of SBURB or a variation of it, or you might not be. What is important is that today, all of you have done something you all agree is for the best. Today, you have all helped a John Egbert return home, no matter how big or small your help was, and some of you might have learned something from this chance encounter.

He is not your John. He is not your husband, your lover, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friend, your upperclassmen, your leader, your rival, your coworker, your underling, your sworn enemy, your arch nemesis, your previous acquaintance, or your anything.

But he is a Rose Lalonde's John Egbert.

That is reason enough for all of you to listen, talk, and if possible, help him.

All of you are John Egbert, separated into virtually countless bits of yourself by an enemy. But now it's time to unite once again and become whole. As your different selves fuse into your whole self once again, your one thought is of Rose Lalonde. Your Rose. You fly through space, getting ever closer to your destination, as the lights of Genesis Frogs zoom past you as you return to your universe once again and your other selves merge.

John Egbert of Crockerland is coming home, and you have all of the other Roses to thank.

Your name is Rose Lalonde. You and your sister are the last of a long line of Seers, the House of Lalonde. You are (were) betrothed to John Egbert. You and your stalwart companions are currently fighting a gigantic douchebag from beyond your Genesis Frog who has screwed up all of your lives, and this is your last stand. Truth be told you would love nothing more than to return to whatever remained of your home, find a pillow, and wail at how unfair the universe is, but there are far more pressing matters at hand.

To be precise, you are losing the fight against Lord Paradox. As you see your companions try to contain him, you wipe the sweat from your brow and spit out the blood in your mouth. Right, time to join the fray again. you think as you unsteadily get on your feet. You wonder where your wand went.

"Rose holy shit stay the fuck down, you just got hit by one of his meteors!" Dave yelled as he gave you a passing glance, which almost cost him dearly as a Beam of energy passed through him. Or where he was anyway. Luckily Jade managed to get to him in time, and Dave quickly flashstepped to your side and helped you stand. Jade immediately continued her efforts to mitigate as much of Paradox's attacks.

"I'm fine Dave." You lie, which from his grimace he doesn't believe. "Besides, you look like you need all the help you can get." Ahh, now you remember. You stabbed that bastard in his arm with your wands. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now you're weaponless.

"You're telling me! Paradouche is taking everything we're dishing out and giving back harder! It's like a shitty and slightly more violent version of present one upmanship." He said, as you both did a no-longer-a-youth roll to evade the slash shockwave sent your way, landing near Kankri and Terezi. By the looks of it, they're both taxed to the limit to relay commands to everyone and foresee the path of battle.

"Rose you're finally off of your lazy ass!" Terezi said, as she turned to look at you and missed your location by at least 45 degrees. Kankri helpfully steered her to face you. "Rejoin our link already, we have got to find a way to get that blasted thing off of him." Terezi pointed towards what you think she meant to be your mutual enemy, but instead is pointing at Kankri. He again moved Terezi so she pointed at Lord Paradox and that ugly thing on his head.

You struggle to remember what it was called, but yes everything went to hell when he wore that thing. It's taking everything all your mind influencing trolls have just to negate him from dominating your minds, and all your telekinetic trolls to prevent him from just lifting you up and snapping your necks. The Crown of Horns, that's what it was called. Your Space players already have their hands full preventing and healing the carnage he's doing without that thing. You're going to have to do something about it.

"Terezi, Kankri, I'm going to need you guys to hold on for just a bit longer. Dave, follow my lead and cover me." You say, and without waiting for confirmation you dive right into the fight once more. You dodge and weave as debris of the spaceship's throne room dart this way and that, and stop as a stray energy beam appeared in front of you before darting onwards towards your goal: the wands you stabbed in his arm. You hear Dave yell as he Sliced through whatever was sent your way and Jade as she reduced the size and speed of a Meteor that was heading towards them. Sollux raised the tile you were on to dodge a beam blast as Calliope undid the space distortion of infinite distance blocking your path. After it's mended you're finally within reach of Lord Paradox.

Luckily he is facing away from you, screaming as he blindly attacks. It's probably because you forced the Horrorterrors to try and possess him. Speaking of… ahh, there's your wands, still sticking out of his right arm. You turn and gave a signal to Terezi, who hopefully will relay your plan. Nodding, Terezi took on another look of concentration as you notice Jade, Kanaya, Porrim, and Calliope flying your way.

The four Space players concentrated and soon Lord Paradox stopped his erratic movement, though it does little to stop him opening a gate to summon more objects to hit you. Fortunately, Roxy, Equius, and Horuss arrived just in time to help remove the various celestial objects he's trying to pelt you with as you grasp the wand and pull hard. Goddammit, it's stuck! Then you notice you can't move. Uh oh.

With a scream, Lord Paradox was free of whatever was holding him and knocked your four Space players down. With nothing stopping him, he zapped you in front of him and starts choking you. Evidently all your other players are down as well. Dammit, and this was the path your vision sent you down?

"You…" he growled. "I will take great pleasure in killing you. You should have surrendered when you had the chance. You could have been a part of my empire..." You would have said a scathing reply, but he's literally choking the life out of you. "I will tear your very existence across the multiverse, and nothing shall remain of you in this one." as Lord Paradox finished, his hands glowing, in repeat of what he did to John.

… John…

You can't help it. It's frustrating and humiliating, but you start shedding tears. You don't know if it's because it finally hit you that John is gone, or if because in the end you couldn't avenge him. That's it. Game Over. Lord Paradox won, and he'll continue his conquest across the multiverse in the name of his shitty art.

You see Lord Paradox open his mouth and you think he's laughing, but you can't hear anything anymore. Your body slowly loses its feelings, as your head starts to hang limply backwards. If this is going to be the end, at least you can be with John again, you think as you stare straight above.

… well that was fast. You see a bright light directly above you, and you can vaguely see a shape coming towards you. You think up a few teasing lines like "Goodness John, you seem very eager for me to join you in the afterlife", but really, you're just glad to see him one last time before the end.

Wait, that's really John. He's barely more than a blob in the middle of a small spot of light, but that really is him. Somehow, he did it. John Egbert actually found a way to come back from a Heroic Death! You have no idea how he did it, but you'll be damned if you're going to let this chance go.

Struggling, you force your body to look at Lord Paradox, and just as you feared, he's looking up. You're not sure what he's saying, but you can barely make out his other hand making the levitating gesture. Sure enough, you can see Jane and Roxy nearby, levitating and choking at the same time. Presumably he's doing it to everyone else as well. Just a little longer you thought. Just keep looking at the pretty light, and I'll show you how bright lights can be. You feel his grip on your neck slacken a bit as he raises his hand towards John, and you press the advantage as you grasp your wands and use every last bit of your strength unleash a blast of light right into his arm.

Screaming (or at least you think he's screaming, you still can't hear anything), Paradox released his grip on your neck as everyone else dropped to the ground, just as John goddamn Egbert rematerialized and smashed Lord Paradox right in the face. Unfortunately, your last act of defiance took its toll on you, and everything is dimming as you see John fly towards you...

Your name is John Egbert and you just had a really weird experience, but there's no time to elaborate, your friends need you. You can barely make out what lies beyond the exit of this weird tunnel of light you're in, but it's clear enough to know that Lord Paradox is choking someone. Even if he appears to have grown like a bajillion horns. As you near the exit however, a blast of light seems to burst out of his arm. ROSE! No time to lose, as soon as you exit the tunnel, you equip your Warhammer Pride of Crockerland. You immediately swing with all your might and scream at the top of your lungs, "STOP HURTING ROSE!"

You channel everything you have into your hammer, focusing all your aspect into the end that's currently smashing Paradox's ugly face, until at last your hammer breaks as a mighty burst of wind hits Lord Paradox with all the force you can muster, shattering that weird Hat of Horns he was wearing. Also it apparently shattered his head, since it basically exploded as his blood rained all over his throne room and his body is sent careening towards his throne, destroying it as he continued to smash through the walls to the room behind it.

You quickly fly to Rose, who is closing her eyes as you carefully lift her. "Rose I'm so sorry I worried you, but I'm here now. Please, please wake up."

"John oh my god you're back!" You hear your sister Jane as she gives you a quick hug, gives you a quick once over, then shoves you aside to heal Rose. You wanted to ask her if she's going to be okay, but then you get dogpiled by pretty much everybody. Considering your considerable numbers, that is quite a feat. You can barely hear them say "EGBERT YOU DUMB ASS DON'T YOU EVER MAKE US WORRY LIKE THAT AGAIN!", and "Goddammit bro, if you could come back from a Heroic Death you should have told us!", and "Joooooooohn you're late! Don't make me worry like that you blockhead!" but there was only one voice that got his full attention.

"Indeed John, you should have told us if you know of a way to further even the odds for us."

"ROSE!"

You shove Jane aside (unnecessarily but fair is fair) and embrace her. Rose is here. Your Rose. Not one of those other Rose Lalonde (who are lovely people), but your Rose Lalonde, the love of your life, your best friend, and the most important person in your life. "Missed me already John? You were only gone for a few moments." She teased, though the effect is ruined by her sniffing and the tears streaming down her face. Not that you're in much better shape, you're pretty sure you're spreading tears and snot all over her back.

"Rose, you won't believe where I've been! I met you- well, not you you, but another universe you, and they all helped me come back-"

"Guys, finish up fast, because this isn't over yet!"

Hearing Jade's voice, you look to where she's pointing. Sure enough, you recognize the unmistakable glow that is Godtier Resurrection as Lord Paradox's body floats in the air and his head regenerates, his glowing eyes seemingly locking onto you.

"Well," You begin, as you pull out your spare Warhammer, squeezing Rose's hand, and you smile to her and your friends before turning back towards your enemy. "Time to finish this."

Your name is John Egbert. You are proud and honored to be the heir to the kingdom of Crockerland, to be betrothed to Rose Lalonde, and to be the Friendking to your merry band of heroes. As you charge towards the still resurrecting body of Lord Paradox with your companions following behind you, you know in your heart that all will be well.


	10. Bonusunday: Epriologue

**Rose: Pester John. In Real Life.**

Canon Universe, Pale John x Rose, SFW

Well.

Here you are.

The door is right there, beckoning you to do something instead of just staring at it.

You're not sure why you're nervous all of a sudden- oh wait, it's because you're about to enter the home of John Egbert, one of your oldest friends, but one you haven't quite kept in touch with lately. You can just imagine how awkward it would be to suddenly appear and try to reconnect after a prolonged period of absence, but still you've got to try. Luckily today is his 20th birthday, which provides you with the perfect excuse to just suddenly show up at his doorstep. Inhaling, you knock on his door.

Then again.

Then you started (lightly) banging on his door.

"John?" You call out. After waiting a few seconds for an answer that never came, you gave the doorknob an experimental turn. Not locked. Curious. You push the door open, and frown at the mess inside. Kanaya would have a fit if she saw it. Heading inside, you call out once more.

"John? Are you here?"

"Rose? Is that you?" You hear him calling from upstairs. Well, at least he's home now.

"Excuse my intrusion, I did knock on your door."

"You know you're supposed to wait until you hear someone welcome you in right?"

You shrug, as you clear the stairs and head for his room. "My apologies John. I dropped by to wish you a happy-"

"Whatever Rose, we've got something more important to talk about!" he interrupted, opening his bedroom door. He gestures you inside as he vanishes into the room before you can get a good look at him,

"Oh?" you say, intrigued, as you walk into his bedroom. A quick glance tells you it would attract Kanaya's ire as well at its current state. You smile as you see one of Dad Egbert and Crocker's hats in the table, it seems the latter's birthday gift arrived already. John himself is at least in proper clothes and it looks like he at least has been eating right, though he has that kind of manic look in his eyes. "Do tell."

"Caliborn's still out there Rose, we've got to take care of him right now! We've got to round up everybody, is Terezi back yet? Let me check my- oh, yeah I smashed my PDA, anyway you've got to message everyone-"

"John, slowdown, and start from the top-" you stop, as you process what he just said. "Wait you smashed your PDA?

"Not important Rose." John says as he rolled his eyes.

"You smashed your father's PDA?" You repeat, as you watch for John's reaction.

"Rose that's not-" He stopped, before he turned his head towards a table. You follow his gaze and see that he did break his PDA. "Oh, oh god, I did didn't I? Oh no why did I do that?" He says before he holds his head in his hand and crouched to the ground. Oh dear you have to calm him down.

"It's ok John deep breaths." You say as you walk closer to him, jumping back as he suddenly stood up again.

"No it's not okay Rose! I just smashed one my Dad's things what is WRONG with me-"

You interrupt John as you rub his back. "I'm here John, just let it all out, take deep calming breaths. Once you feel better, you can start from the beginning." You guide him towards his bed, and you two sit down as you continue to rub John's back as he slowly stops hyperventilating.

"Okay Rose, okay." He inhales deeply before continuing "So, just a few moments ago I got a text from Caliborn."

"The younger version of Lord English?" From what you recall, John once told you and the others about when he made himself appear next to Caliborn and apparently gave him a beatdown. Speaking of, you should start seeing the best way to beat Caliborn. As you let your powers work their magic, you hear John answer.

"Yeah, that's the one. He was taunting me, trying to make me mad, he wanted to come at him. He's got glowing eyes, I think he's almost ready to be Lord English. I think there was Gamzee, I don't remember. I remember he was holding a bunny hostage."

"He's holding a rabbit hostage?"

"Like Liv Tyler Rose, not a real one."

"Oh, I see. Then what did you do next?"

"I wasn't thinking straight, I accepted his challenge then I smashed my PDA. God, what was I doing?"

"It's ok John we'll sort this out. Let us take this one step at a time. May I see your PDA?" You gesture towards the broken PDA.

"Go ahead, it's broken." John waved dismissively. You pick up the PDA and give it a quick once over.

"Hmm…, I might not be as computer savvy as Dirk, but I don't think it's broken beyond repair."

"Really?" He swiftly turns to you, eyes wide.

"I'm sure of it, just bring it to Dirk and see what he makes of it." You say as you put the PDA back down on the bed again.

"… ah, yeah." John says quietly, as he scratches the back of his neck. Ah, yes, and now to discuss his social life.

"That brings me to our second discussion. I can't help but notice that you've been… well… living like a hermit." You say bluntly.

"It's not that bad Rose!" He denied. You frown as you refute it.

"John, you still have a banner from 2 years ago that you just wrote over."

He stayed silent for a moment, glancing outside for a moment, before he blurted out "Alright alright I guess I'm just lazy like that. Doesn't mean I'm a hermit, I still snapchat you guys."

"Yes, but none of us have seen you in person. I asked around, and Dave, Jade, and Karkat said it's been quite some time since you all met face to face. It's like you're stuck in your house."

"Yeah well," John looked away, "it's not like you're helping Rose.

"Excuse me?" Is he accusing you of somehow causing him to withdraw from society? Before you can give him a piece of your mind, he lashed out.

"When was the last time we met? Heck when was the last time we chatted? It's a two way street Rose, you can't just blame it all on me! What, do you think I just decided to say 'hey let's stop talking to every single person I know! It'll be a hoot' and stop seeing you guys? No, you guys get busy for one thing or another! We used to be so tight, but now I'm only chatting with Dave, Karkat, and Jade these days. What are you and Kanaya even doing that makes you too busy to chat with me? Not coming all the way here to fucking nowhere, fine, my bad, I could have chosen a better spot to put my house, but what is so damn hard about picking up your phone and just text me or something! Like we used to do…" he trailed off after his rant, standing up and moving away from you.

As for yourself, it's taking all of your willpower not to speak. Well, scream really. It would be so easy to lash right back at John. You know he's being unfair right now, and you both know you have obligations and someone in your life, so you can't just drop everything to entertain him. Besides, if he missed everybody he should be the one contacting them.

Still, he has a point. Chatting doesn't take much effort nor time. She could have just said hi, or ask what he's doing. Even when they chatted, she might have been… less accommodating as before. They both grew up and changed, true, but to change so much that they're so distant they no longer chat everyday? What the hell has she been doing?

Well, adult life is hectic after all, unlike their (almost) carefree childhood. Besides, why dump all the responsibility on her? He's got other friends, but she's the only one that came to his house on his birthday.

Then you remember the reason why you showed up in the first place.

'Please don't give up on me.'

"I won't John."

"What was that?"

Ignoring his tone, you move closer to him. He's staring out of the window, so you follow his gaze. Time to swallow your pride and be the bigger woman. Metaphorically speaking of course. You breathe in and out before you start.

"I'm… sorry that we haven't chat as often as we did before John."

John, for his part, kept staring out the window. After a few moments, he finally piped up. "Yeah I know, you're busy helping Kanaya with her job. I get it. Sorry I snapped at you."

"That doesn't mean that I should drop one of my oldest and dearest friend like a… a…" rats. Your vocabulary failed you again. You really shouldn't have drank.

"Like a bathtub?"

"Snrk!" Oh my god seriously? He's bringing up that old shame? You can't help it, it was such a ridiculous thing to mention in what you thought was going to be a serious and heartfelt talk that the laughter almost came out. "Oh wow I really did that didn't I? I caused a lot of trouble for you early on. Sorry I wasn't the best Server player for you." It's true, you think. You started off thinking a feminine touch was what's needed to clean up John's place, and you proceeded to wreck his house. It's a wonder Kanaya can stand cleaning up after you.

"It's fine Rose. None of us knew what we were doing." He turned around and went back to sit on the bed, eyes still on you. "Look, forget what I said okay? It's fine that you've been a bit busy, at least you're here now. Thanks Rose."

"You're welcome." You both exchange a small smile before you both became silent. Well, at least you've managed to reconnect with John. Had there been nothing else, you would have considered your duty as a friend halfway done and plan out out what the both of you will do today and see if you can spend some quality best friend time.

But what John said about his PDA...

"So," you begin, "I think it's time that we talk about the elephant in the room."

"Yeah… Caliborn."

"John, I'm not sure how to say this," sometimes you really hate your powers, "but it's best that we ignore Caliborn."

"WHAT? What the hell are you talking about Rose?"

"I've been trying to foresee the most fortuitous path for us to beat Caliborn but… so far there isn't one.". It's true. You kept trying to find a way to beat Caliborn and come back safely, but for one reason or another, whoever faces Caliborn dies. "In fact, I'm getting very strong vibes that for our sakes, we shouldn't answer his taunts."

John scowled. "Are you seriously telling me to ignore Lord English based on vibes Rose?" He got up, and is getting way too close.

"John, calm down-"

"STOP TRYING TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN!"

Your patience is really running out here. "You're yelling, I'd appreciate it if you would lower your voice and see reason."

"Reason?" He scoffed. "Alright you want reason? Seeing as you're not going to help me take down Caliborn, I'm going to go there myself and finish what I started without your help. How's that for reasoning?"

Suddenly you experience visions of John lying dead, his body moving as Caliborn repeatedly stomped him on the head, until finally it smashed and blood splattered everywhere-

"See you later Rose, I'm going-"

Caliborn is laughing and laughing-

You immediately latched on to his arm. "JOHN WAIT DON'T!"

He starts screaming obscenities and mocking John's headless body-

"LET GO OF ME ROSE! I beat him once I can beat him again!"

Caliborn easily lifts John's body and starts slamming it everywhere-

"You can't beat him John!"

He tore off John's arm when he swung too hard-

"YOU'LL DIE!"

"AT LEAST I'LL DIE A HERO!"

The visions stopped.

What? What did he just say?

John seems to realize what he just said, and is no longer struggling against your hold. You strike while the iron is hot.

"Just… just please John, please don't go." You whispered. God please don't let that happen to John. "Please listen to me, it won't end well."

John, confused, relented and just stood still. For a moment you just stood there, awkwardly holding onto his arm. Satisfied that he's not going to zap himself to his doom, you let go.

… Christ this is still awkward.

"How bad is it?" You hear him pipe up. Good you're not the one who has to break the ice.

"I'm not going to mince words John. Really fucking bad."

"That bad?"

"Let me put it this way, imagine that he would have been you, and you would have been your imp at the receiving end of your hammer"

"Ouch. I guess he powered up huh." He's making light of the situation, is now the best time to talk about what he said? You'll risk it.

"John, what you said just now-"

"Rose, no, can we not talk about it?"

"I'm sorry, but if my friend suddenly said that he wanted to go down in flames as a martyr and it sounded like he meant it, it's time for one of our old therapy sessions."

"Are you serious?" You give him a glare, which seemed to get the point across. "Alright alright fine." John laid down on the bed while you get comfy in the chair you found. You don't have a notepad handy, so your phone will have to do. "Just for the record, I didn't say anything about going down in flames."

"I know John, I was just exaggerating. Still, at first I thought you were just being stubborn, and still resentful that we haven't been in contact as much with you."

"That's not it Rose." He turned his head towards you.

"I agree, though I only realized there was another issue when you said you wanted to die as a hero."

"I'm not suicidal if that's what you're thinking, and I never said wanted." He grumbled, now staring at the ceiling as he twiddled his thumbs.

"On the contrary John, I don't believe you're suicidal at this point." Yet, you think, but you file it away for later. "I believe the more important point is the word hero here. John, why are you so insistent in becoming one?"

He stayed silent.

"John?"

More silence. Alright, maybe this was a stupid idea. You both just reconnected, maybe it would take some time before he trusts you enough to-

"I just don't feel needed." Ahh, the truth comes out at last.

"I see. Why do you feel that way John?" You've long suspected John had issues with his ego, but after all that he's done?

"Well, part of it is that we all kind of had our own lives, and we all kind of stopped hanging out together online as much as we used to."

"A mistake I plan to rectify." You remind him.

"Thanks. But another part of it is… I just… I don't feel like I was needed to beat the SBURB game."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah I know I know I went back and retconned Vriska's death, but then Vriska was responsible for correcting everything that went wrong, and ultimately she was the one that made our plan work. Then we all went to face the Condesce, and, well, while it went better than the last time it did, Roxy was the one that saved us all. I'm grateful for all that and all, but… I just feel… useless."

"John, I had no idea you felt that way. So you feel that if you unleash your pent up aggression on Caliborn, that you would feel validated and feel needed again?"

"Yes? I guess? I don't know. I was just feeling sorry for myself."

You tap your chin as you scan your notes. "As an amateur therapist I am obligated to tell you that it is perfectly natural and fine to feel that way, that you don't feel as if you're contributing. It is a natural response to seek some way to feel as if you are an important part of your social circle." You look up from your phone to look him square in the eye, his rapt with attention. "But as a friend I have to tell you that you are spouting some unbelievable bullshit and that you are already important to us. Going off to get yourself killed by Caliborn is a sure way to lose our respect, and in response-"

John looked offended. "Alright alright I get it, will you lay off already?"

"I wasn't finished John," you tut, "and in response everyone will go off on a foolish quest to try and avenge you only to die as well. Myself included."

John just looked at you with mouth slightly agape, before looking the other way. "Don't do that Rose. I'm not worth it."

"You're our friend. Of course you're worth it." John scoffed. "It's true. We may not have been showing it lately, but you are a dear friend to us John. Now before you say 'so what'," you hold up a hand to stop him from saying anything, leaving him half sitting up and half laying down, "allow me to remind you of a few things."

"First of all, do not underestimate the importance of your Retcon. You kept us all alive thanks to you and Terezi, and we'll never forget that. Regarding the Condesce battle, you are downplaying your role in taking her down. Your windy thing was essential in keeping the Condesce busy, and she was so enraged towards the end that she forgot about Roxy, allowing her to kill the landing blow. It was a team effort John, don't forget it."

"Well, yeah. I guess it was pretty cool when we used our combination Fraymotifs. Like when we and Roxy summoned that Wizard statue." He smiled.

"There you go." Indeed, remembering the Zazzerpan statue unleashing hell on the Condesce was quite a fond memory. "Even before that, you were instrumental to making The Scratch happen, and let's not forget all the things you figured out when we just started out the game."

"Well yeah, but that's mostly because I was the first player."

"Yes, and because you were our first player we've managed to obtain some valuable information about the game. Finally, and I hesitate to repeat this, you are our friend. That is reason enough for us to follow you oblivion."

"Wow, morbid Rose."

"What can I say," you shrug, "once a creepy goth girl, always a creepy goth girl."

"Heh, once a friendleader always a friendleader too huh."

"That's the spirit. Looks like I don't need to pirouette after all."

He looked at you confused before his face broke into a huge grin. "Oh my god that's right you said you'd do that if I denied it one more time!"

"Glad to hear that, if nothing else, our conversations stuck with you."

"I'd never forget our conversations Rose. Not yours, not Dave's, not Jade's, not Karkat's, not anyone's. You're my friends." Oh dear, it seems the inky blackness that replaced your heart feels warm upon hearing his heartfelt spiel.

"Well, it seems that we've made a breakthrough today. How do you feel John?"

"Well, a bit better. But still a bit lonely. I mean, no offense to you and your friendship Rose, but I miss seeing the other guys."

"Understandable. We can work on this slowly. Ooh, maybe I should arrange a playdate."

"Hahaha Rose." John rolled his eyes. "I'm not a child."

"Well, you were behaving like one until you calmed down. But yes, that's enough jokes. Now that you're feeling better, even if just by a bit, you're not having anymore delusions of grandeur?"

"Nope."

"Still feel like you're unimportant?"

"Not as insignificant."

"Good. So no more talk about going after Caliborn then." You close up the note app on your phone, and got up from your chair.

"Oh I'm still fighting Caliborn."

That took the wind right out of your sails. In fact, you literally stumbled as you tried to stand up and feel to John's bed. "Whoa whoa, calm down Rose- are you ok? You're breathing really hard." That horrible vision of Caliborn desecrating John's body flashed through your mind again.

You can't believe it, you're actually hyperventilating. You clutched his bedsheets and try to calm your breaths. You struggled, but between breaths you managed to squeak out a quiet "why?"

"Rose, I understand completely everything you said. But trust me I've figured this out. Before our session I was in a really bad place," you snort and immediately regret it, "but seeing as I'm feeling better, I thought I'd have a better chance of beating him now!"

You barely resist the urge to facepalm, but that's only because you're using all of your willpower to smother his stupid face with one of his pillows for a Just Death. But you succeeded in deciding against it. He's the Heir of Breath after all. Stupid dork probably can't die from suffocation. Meanwhile, oblivious to your inner thoughts, he's sporting that patented Egbert grin. Maybe a hard punch and make him lose a tooth.

"Well?"

"Well what John?"

"So how will I fare? Any better?"

You sigh, and forget any thoughts of deicide. Well, of murdering John anyway. You take back your seat, fuming st him.

"Are you seriously asking me to see if you won't end up being treated by a rag doll, despite me saying moments ago that you'd end up as one? Things change John, but I sincerely doubt you leveled up because of one therapy session."

"Please?" Ugh, you can never resist that look. Yes, that adorkable look he has right now. You, Dave, and Jade are putty before it.

You resist enough anyway to ask "why is it so important to take down Caliborn?"

"Because it's the right thing to do Rose." He said matter of factly. "No hear me out, don't roll your eyes at me. The way I see it, if I don't answer Caliborn's call, he'll just use his Lord of Time powers to come here. So it's better to take he fight to him so he can't hurt the Earth we've fought so hard for if we lose. Plus, if we do manage to beat him, that means this Caliborn isn't the one that becomes Lord English, and we can live our lives worry free. Also, well, it never sat right with me that with all the powers we have we just… go back like nothing's changed. Or at least, live as normal humans. No offense Rose. I just thought we were meant for something… bigger. You know?"

You blinked. It seems you've underestimated John. He put quite some thought into this. You mulled over his words for a few moments, before asking him. "You won't budge on this?"

"I think answering Caliborn's invitation is the right call."

"But what happens if I can't find a way to beat him?"

"Well… well I promise that I won't bring it up again until you do."

"Until I do? So sure of your own prowess eh Egbert?" You chide him.

"Well, not so much in myself as I am of you."

"Huh?"

"If anyone can find a way to beat a Lord of Time, it's you Rose."

Wow. Not a single trace of sarcasm. Such complete faith in your abilities. You sigh. What can you do when confronted with such abject faith but to answer it.

"Alright John, I promise that I'll do my best to find the way to beat Caliborn. When I do," you surprised yourself that you didn't say if, but you continue on "I'll do my best to make it come true."

You stand up from your chair, and motion Egbert to move away from his bed. You switch places, with John watching you as you sit on the bed, completely focused. You sit there for what seemed like hours, but when you decided to call it quits, a glance at a clock told you it's only been 10 minutes. You turn towards John, his eager face slowing frowning as he studies your face.

"No good huh?"

"I'm sorry John, I really tried." Unlike the halfassed effort you did before, you focused all of your faculties this time. "But no, there's no way that you can beat Caliborn."

John sighed out loud. "Alright Rose, I believe you." He stood up, and helped you down from the bed. "You must be tired. Do you want something to drink? Some snacks? I've got some cakes downstairs."

"That's alright John, I-" your stomach betrayed you, much to your embarrassment, as it made a loud noise. Well, as long as he knows, might as well go all the way. "On second thought, some tea and cakes would be lovely."

You both make your way downstairs, as you take a seat in the living room while John prepares the tea and cakes. "Jane sent me these a few days ago." John called out from the kitchen. "She sends me these care packages every so often, but you know me and cakes."

"I remember." You answer back. This is nice you think. Kanaya is very welcome company and all, but you really should start hanging out with other people. Maybe you can drag her to visit Karkat, you know she's been worrying about him, despite your assurance that Dave and Jade are taking good care of him and each other.

"Here you go Rose, one of Crockercorp's finest creations."

"Thank you-" you begin, and stop dead when you saw John. Or rather, the cake monstrosity blocking your view of John.

"John I think you are seriously overestimating my capabilities to digest desert, no matter what your movies tell you." You eye the gigantic cake. Geez what was Jane thinking? How did she even send it- oh wait, must have been Jade. Poor girl, she's probably being overworked from teleporting here and there. But at least she's not out of practice from using her powers.

Practice.

"Oh don't worry about it," John broke you out of your thoughts, "I just took the whole thing here so you can have your pick of which part of the cake you want. I can put the rest back in later."

"You know I could have just come with you to the fridge, you didn't have to bring the cake to me."

"Nah it's fine, I needed the exercise anyway. Needed to flex my muscles."

Exercise.

"If you say so." You squint your eyes, as you use your powers to see which one is the most delicious part. You gesture to a single part of the cake, which John helpfully sliced and give to you before taking the rest back. "Here I thought you were going to fatten me up for the slaughter."

"Heh, no no Rose, I wouldn't do that. Jade's the witch in the family." You chuckle a bit. "Yeah, it'd take everyone we know to finish this baby in one sitting."

Everyone.

You massage your temple. For some reason certain words John said keep repeating in your head. "Are you ok Rose?"

You glance up, seeing John sticking his head out of the kitchen. "It's fine, I think I just used my powers too much today."

John ducked back into the kitchen. "If you say so. Oh, that reminds me of what Jade said."

You sip the tea. Not as rich as the ones Kanaya made, but an interesting flavor. "What did she say?"

"Apparently, one time when The Mail Lady asked a favor with Jade to deliver a package to some far off destination, she apparently misjudged the distance or something and she ended up all the way on the wrong side of the world."

"Wow, really?" This cake is delicious. Jane has done it again.

"Yeah, she had to make a lot of small jumps before she came back home. She had a problem though."

"Let me guess, she forgot the package somewhere?"

"Yeah! Luckily the Mail Lady was understanding, but Jade was so embarrassed by the whole ordeal that she says she's going to take some time to herself and just train her powers."

Train.

"Train. Everyone. Exercise. Practice." You mutter. You glance at the kitchen. You hear him rummaging around in there. Good.

You assume your focus pose on the couch. Given the available friends you have right now, and assuming an infinite amount of time to practice, is there a way to defeat Caliborn? Visions stream past you, until at last, you found it.

It exists. It really does. The way to beat Caliborn once and for all. The end result is hazy, but the words 'the way to defeat he who would become and is Lord English once and for all' is clear. You also clearly see the way to reach the most fortuitous path.

"Rose, are you okay?" You snap back to reality and see John walking toward the couch, carrying his share of snacks and drinks. Were you found out? No it seems not, as he sits on the couch, still looking at you.

"I'm fine John. Just basking in the heavenly treat that is your ecto-mom's cake. My compliments to her."

"Yeah, her creations are always great. It's why I keep all of them refrigerated in case I get company." John opened his bag of potato chips and the soda he brought. Boys will be boys- oh my god is that roasted corn flavor? He seemed to recognize the pleading look you have on your face as he offered the bag to you, which you gratefully took. He turned on the TV, and you both lounge around for a bit.

As the movie of Troll Will Smith and Human Will Smith teaming up to take down the bad guy (surprisingly played by Human Jackie Chan. You have no idea how they both got here, but here you are) continued, you count down the seconds as the first step to enact your plan will begin. Any minute now…

"Rose, this is nice. You know, just hanging out, and watching movies."

"Indeed. But it would be a shame to waste the day just being couch potatoes, wouldn't you say?"

John turned off the tv, the saga of the twin Smiths left up in the air as he looked at you. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well, here we are spending time together while everyone else is busy with their lives instead of being here today."

"Today?" You just raise an eyebrow, then he quickly nodded. "Oh, right today."

"So, I had a thought. Why not make them… pay?"

"Pay? Pay how exactly? You're not planning on sacrificing them to the Horrorterrors, are you?"

"Maybe later. No, I was thinking we should go out there, flex out our god tier powers, and prank the living daylights out of them."

"... Rose what are you up to?" Damn.

Time to pull a fast one. "Alright John, truthfully, here are two reasons for why I wanted you to prank everyone. First of all, I know it'll cheer you up. Pranking everyone we know, all in the same day, and with little preparation time? A challenge worthy of John Egbert."

John seemed to be considering this for a moment before squinting his eyes at you. "Nice try Rose, buttering me up. What's the second reason."

"I can't get anything past you John. The second reason is so we're not out of practice."

"Out of practice? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think my Mangrit levels are pretty ok."

You pretend to gag (to which John scowled), before continuing. "I was referring to our as of late unused godtier powers John. I was thinking about what you said about Jade, and I was pondering what is the best way to draw out our powers. I came to the conclusion that if we prank people while utilizing our powers, we'll be having fun while we're training. In addition, depending on how other people react, they might use their powers to try to evade our pranks." You finish, letting John mull it over.

You neglected to mention the 3rd reason, that is, to get everyone else to use their powers and reconnect with John all in one fell swoop. There's also the 4th reason that it's all to beat Caliborn. But, she'll let that be a surprise birthday gift for him.

John rocked his head from side to side, thinking. "Are you sure about this Rose?"

You smile at him. "Of course John, I would never steer you wrong. Trust me."

He gave a small smile back. "… yeah, okay Rose. I trust you."

THE END/BEGINNING


End file.
